the scritoire

fab weekend

2009-11-22T07:18:00.000-08:00

buggy bad

2009-11-11T19:15:00.000-08:00

For months now, I've been trying to convince Joa that we need a new buggy for the bub. But he feels we can still make do with the 10-year-old one that my neighbour has given us. I don't deny that it is a good and practical one for us who's pushing it, but it has very poor rest support for the little one especially when he naps, and too small a canopy to shield him from the sun.

So I managed to negotiate with the agent of BLINK (see pic)to sell it to me at press price. It's been two weeks and I still haven't gotten round to Joa. I guess it's not just him but I'm procrastinating as well, and especially when I haven't gotten over the heartburn of having spent $800 on a new set of breastpump which was a little over the top, isn't it?

Anyway. There's the other problem. If we bought this, how do I get rid of the other two? yes, there's not one but two hand-me-downs strollers at home. And dad is fussing about how the house looks like a baby's warehouse with all the things lying around. But that's wat happens when a baby arrives! It's times like these that I can so understand why Joa badly wants us to get our own nest.

What should I do?

A very special day

2009-11-09T00:10:00.000-08:00

Today is a special day which marks two very special occasions – my parent’s 29th wedding anniversary, and our first wedding anniversary. The family celebration was held last night and Dad took us out for a seafood dinner. Dad is your traditional, conservative person who feels there’s no need for mushy stuffs. And I think I kinda inherit some of that trait. And Joa being Joa, you can expect that there’s no Gucci bag for me hiding in his closet. So it was only this morning that we decided to make an impromptu dinner plan for tonight to celebrate our first year together as a married couple.

When I realised that November 9th was drawing near, I was taken aback at how fast a year had past. I can’t believe that it had been a whole year since our crazy-chop-chop wedding which I remember both fondly and dreadfully. Sure we’ve had our fights and mad-hair days. But in a year, we’ve made many new things - a new addition to the family, new careers, a new car, new dreams and a whole new life together. Often I’d think about how blissful my life at the present is, and how I’d miss it sorely someday when I find myself old, abandoned, and diseased.

Joa and I have really come a long, faraway, way. 10 years spanning Singapore to Melbourne and then to Beijing. God really meant what He said when back in 2002, He said to me that Joa and I would go on a “detour” – and we did, both in time, circumstances and proximity. I don’t think I’ve ever felt closer to a person than Joa ever is to me. He’s one person who’s seen me both at my best and worst, and one whom I’m most comfortable with revealing my true nature, bad habits and all. We share some interests and other differences just complement one another.

I remember him through the year occasionally telling me that he’s now made the mark to being my longest-lasting husband. Not that I think that was funny. But silly him. I think he’s the only one whom I’d ever choose to marry and if there was a next life, and the next, I’d only want to be with him.

On Saturday, he’d suggested that we did a quiet dinner together to celebrate our anniversary but I went on to gather some friends because I thought it’d be more fun with more people. That made him a tad disappointed. The thing is, any time spent alone with him is quality enough. I didn’t think we needed to specially make plans to be alone together. But I think I was wrong. We need to give each other special privileges and twosome time.

To my baby of a hubby: Thanks for being such a wonderful, loving, supportive partner. I know I’ve been a crazy bitch what with the pregnancy, the lack of sleep, the new job, breastfeeding, and my noisy family but thanks for bearing, while at the same time, embracing all of that. Thanks for sacrificing everything for us and putting us above everything you do. Thanks for being my BFF, confidante, soulmate, partner, ‘handbag’, ATM, financial advisor, prayer buddy, sex god and movie friend. You’re my Supermodel and Little J’s Superdad! We love you! xoxo

happy days

2009-10-20T22:53:00.000-07:00

The last two weeks have been productive. I've started my official journalist-writer kind of interviews - did five last week -, photoshoots, and story-writing and i feel good.

Many friends and family were really surprised when I told them I was going to interviews, or I just came back from one. Their first reaction was, "Why? You changing jobs again?"

No lah. So I thought about a better word to use but couldn't find any. So I explained that it was those kind of research interview and they went, "Why you must interview? I thought you were in corp comms/ corp mags?"

So it was that I happily volunteered for MCYS publication so I can help promote happy family lifestyle. Joa said that was perfect for me. But I think what's even better for me is the SDU mag! Because I do think that I'm Aunt Agony and Ms Love Vogue. Ha ha! Joke, joke!

Anyhow, on Sat, we went to Joa's colleague's place for steamboat. Getting together with the other army wives was just fantastic. Hearing them complain about their husband OT and stress at work was so marvellous. In fact we were just amused at how similar our grievances were! I'm lucky Joa works with people who married nice women as wives. In fact I wish we could meet up more often. But it'll be kinda over-zealous and odd to propose at our first meeting, wouldn't it?

The long weekend. Joa was off on Monday as well so we snuck out to catch Funny People at Lido. Crappy movie. Too crude, too boring, and too long. I was just waiting for the climax or some kind of a drama and then I felt so bored, and then pissed that it was taking so long. Everyone quickly shuffled out when the credits started to roll. Goes to show just how entertaining it was. I asked Joa how many 'popcorn' this garnered and he said four. Four out of 10 would be apt.

I was gonna reflect about some of the heartland stories I discovered in Hougang last week. Autism children and a couple who was battling with kidney failure. I really do think that I'm extremely fortunate to live in a lifetime where I can pursue a career that I feel passionate about and eat whatever I like and buy whatever I fancy. Whenever I pick up my little boy and see him smile, I remind myself that there are people just nearby who have problems that are too big for me. This guy, Thung Toh Khee, just donated his kidney to his wife. But more than that, I think he's an amazing, wonderful guy. Just hearing him speak was an enjoyable experience. People like him makes me feel that the world is such a great place to be in.

I'm just about to leave the office so I can go on an indian-hunt. Yeah, need to track down some young indian youths for yet another soundbite.

my twitter:

2009-10-09T02:14:00.000-07:00

Errands this weekend:

1) cut hair
2) buy voice recorder
3) fix handphone

not enough time!!!

death-defying

2009-10-08T18:26:00.000-07:00

I think I suffer from thanatophobia, in simple terms, it's the fear of death or anything related to it. ever since my uncle died and my baby was born, it dawned on me that a whole new generation has come and taken over.

Everyday, I'd imagine a car accident, and if my dad or Joa comes home late or I cannot find them, I'd think maybe they'd disappeared forever. I love looking at Little J when he's asleep but hate it when I start imagining him cold and still. I look at his chest very often. Just to make sure it's heaving up and down.

An ex-colleague once told me she used to imagine that her kids being kidnapped. Maybe my imagination that my child died is part of the maternal protective instinct. It's morbid, I know. It's something I haven't told anyone, not even Joa.

I was pondering about how we always look forward to the weekend, or to an event that's happening in one or two years time. But what we don't realise is that in between, all that time is wasted. And so, I resolved to treasure every second and every minute of the day. When I awoke this morning, feeling an overwhelming numbness from a lack of sleep, I reminded myself that lazing in bed just one more minute is just wasting another minute of my life. Life is short and it seems everything that I'm doing, exercising, eating, or simply mopping the floor, is just a big waste of time. Imagine having to work five days a week, spending your entire day at the office and missing the baby you'd left at home, only to die at the end of 50 years.

What's the point of it all? I was just thinking that next year, I'd be in my last twentieth year. I'll be thirty. And in a blink of an eye, I'd be forty, and fifty, and sixty, and then a senior citizen! You remember how as young teenagers we cdn't quite wait to grow up. And now that I have, I realised I'm growing old.

I wonder if the eventual "freedom" of death is simply pain in itself. Why can't I stay 28 forever? Why can't my parents and I live like that forever? Why can't my baby be small forever?

Second week

2009-09-24T18:28:00.000-07:00

Seven days actually, after deducting the long weekend.

Not much luck with the colleagues yet. But at least I'm more comfortable in my skin, and getting to know one or two of them slowly.

I went home yesterday and saw Mum putting Little J to sleep. His lids were almost shut, and then he heard my voice and immediately turned towards me and gave me the most heart-melting smile. When I walked away to drop my things, he started to whimper. I knew he'd just foiled yet another exercise session. And so, we spent the rest of the evening together, until he fell asleep at nine.

It's the end of September. And it feels like the end of the year. Often it feels life just accelerates after you hit 26. All of a sudden, your parents and relatives are ageing, and you see little children taking their place in the world. One day I'm going to say this same thing, myself having passed more than half of my lifetime. At night when I lay in bed, I look at Joa and wonder how short a lifetime is. You know how when you're thinking you're gonna be sharing a bed with a person forever and at first, it feels like a long time. But I know someday, I'd find myself, alone in my bed. Memories of him snoring next to me fading away. A lifetime is just too short. I guess this is why we have to always cherish one another, becos departure is just ahead.

I think I've separation anxiety of some sort. I always have problems trying to detach from a person or item. It can be anyone. A relative, a crush, a friend, a pet, or a non-living non-breathing thing.

Weekend. Can't wait to spend some real quality time.

Optimistic

2009-09-16T18:05:00.000-07:00

This is it. I’m sitting here at my new desk at the second floor of my new workplace. It’s a big office, with a lounge area that has a massage chair, an open pantry kitchen. We’re clustered among the other magazines. There isn’t one desk around me that’s neat. Every one has a mountain of magazines and documents. And this makes me smile, because for once, I know I’m in the right job.

It’s day four today. No one’s in the office yet so I’m just enjoying some solitude moments to myself. I thought I should post in my blog, and tell everyone that although I haven’t met a chum whom I can get on like 'a house on fire’, I know (quietly wish) that She is somewhere around. And now I can’t help but miss Mandy. The intern girl at Highteam who always make me laugh. I wonder how is she doing. Sometimes, I get this urge to ‘rescue’ her out of China. She’s not impoverished or anything. In fact, she’s a really bright and hardworking girl. But I always think, while looking at the PRCs in Singapore, that more than any of them, she should be here.

Leaving in the mornings hasn’t been so bad yet. I get to talk to Little J while getting ready for work. I keep telling him how much I love him and smother him with wet kisses all over. Then I start missing him around late morning onwards and look longingly at the photos of him that I’d put up on the wall.

For now, I’ve been helping out with stories for various publications. A story today, several snippets tomorrow. It’s a wonderful feeling to lose yourself among the scrawly texts. Time passes quite quickly and then it’s time to head home to my family. It’s a really fulfilling time.

Tomorrow the office will be shut till next Wednesday. I can’t wait to spend more time with Little J, breastfeed more, and catch up on my sleep.

updates

2009-09-10T00:11:00.000-07:00

there's either something wrong with blogspot or joa's laptop becos for weeks, i haven't been able to post any pics.

whatever it is. i start work monday. just gone by to sign my appointment letter and now, i'm feeling an immense feeling of importance. part of the remuneration includes two free magazines. i chose 8-days and Style after realising there's not many to choose from. beats having nothing :)

it's also mandatory that we take two days' no-pay leave per month. just as well. lesser pay for me but more than with Little J.

tonight the gals and i are hanging out. been a long time since we had a girls' evening. we're celebrating my new career and i'm excited ;)

i also spent a fortune on work clothes. 2 pairs of work pants, 3 basic tops, a cardigan and a pair of pretty pumps. i'm still thinking of getting a nice mug and stationery. it's stupid i know. i sd just use whatever's given.

somehow i'm scared. scared of myself. becos everyone's been warning me about the culture, the politics, and the stress that i'm starting to wonder how long i'd really hold out. it'll be painful if i had to leave. i want this to be my big break.

back on the hunt again, now back on track.

2009-09-04T22:25:00.000-07:00

I found a job. Or rather, God found me a job.

For a long time I've felt lousy about having to give up my dream of becoming a Journalist and leaving no choice but to pursue Corp Comms as an alternative. I started to aim for Corp Comms in MNCs but it was never enough.

This job comes as a major breakthrough. A miracle from God to take my first step towards my career in the newsroom and publishing house. I always knew He would bless me with something beyond my imagination. Something I could be proud of.

My career has taken for a turn. Once it was bleak but now full of hope. I've always lived with one of Dr Bernard's revelation: Sometimes life takes a wrong turn but God will always bring you back on track. Now I'm back. Just like everything else that happened in my life. Things took a wrong turn. But it eventually went back in line. I always knew only in the blackest of days can only God's light shine.

I'm on my way. This is the best thing that's ever happened to me. It feels better than striking lottery.

Thank you, God.

in the swing of things

2009-08-17T23:42:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to get him to nap so I can surf the net a little before getting ready to head out. Today's my self-proclaimed day out. I get the afternoon off and can finally head to the mall to get Joa a nice picture frame for his new office desk.

These days I'm starting to enjoy staying home with the little one. Initially I had dreaded it, not sure if I'd ever be able to single-handedly pacify him. But I did. But it's not always smooth-sailing. Especially in the mornings when he wakes up at 7am and my body is still numb from a desperate need to sleep. Motherhood is not easy. Though I must say I am relishing every minute of it now so at least when he's all grown up and defiant, and adore other women above me, I can at least know that I once had him all to myself.

Tonight we're having dinner at a new restaurant opened by Joa's best man. It's just down the road from where we live and serving Italian. There are no Italian chefs, in fact, it's all gonna be cooked by him and a relative he hired. I must say we are a bit apprehensive. But we still want to show our patronage.

I've finally got a call for another interview tomorrow. There hasn't been any updates from the last few that I went to. I guess the competition is keen and I can't really have high expectations. Still I believe there'd be something. Just need to wait. And while I'm waiting, I can at least 'smell the roses' of a stay-home mum and enjoy every minute of having him close by.

homelady

2009-08-14T00:35:00.000-07:00

Joa's finally had to report to work so now i'm back to being alone. although having the baby around makes up for some entertainment but that also means i can't catch up on sleep in the mornings and lesser time for me to do whatever i like.

now that he's Captain, he's so busy. morning runs every mon, wed and fri. leaves before the dawn and returns only after way past dusk. there's now no time for lazy meals together, weekday afternoon movies and shopping trips. with him gone, the day now feels longer and the evenings shorter. worse, he's even have to go for some company run on sunday without a leave-in-lieu for compensation. what kind of welfare is that?!

visited the GP today becos of a blocked milk duct and aside from some massaging techniques and advice, there was nothing she cd prescribe me to remove the blockage. she suggested that i join some breastfeeding support group to gather more information about how to deal with the lump and decreasing milk supply.

no bubble tea today so i had ice-cream to make up for it. not too happy.

mascara too much

2009-08-07T23:07:00.000-07:00

okay, i admit. i've been overdoing the mascara bit. how i got the wake-up call: last night, a swollen wee flap of skin on my left eyelid plagued me all night. and what's worse is that it had to be this weekend. i'm upset becos this is the weekend i've been looking forward to - Grace's wedding tonight (i get to finally don on my new poppy dress), and Little J's baby dedication service tomorrow!

i think it happened becos last sat, in the hype of my excitement about the new turqoise-coloured mascara, i'd put it on to swim. and while i was shampooing my hair, the mascara faded across my eye area. to finish the story, the stain remained till several days later.

so i've been washing the affected eye with optrex every two hours and applying aloe vera on the bump. hopefully it gets better soon. otherwise, i can't imagine what i'll look like with a swollen eye doned over with a dress of blooming red and pink flowers. just blooming frenzy!

that aside, i can't wait to see Grace! i can't imagine she's got married. my memory of her seem to have halted since the night she left for the UK in that horrid checked shirt, jeans and sneakers. all of us teared after she crossed the gates. it was the first time we'd ever had to see a friend off.

13 years later this evening, i'll be attending her wedding. she in her most gorgeous ever! you see, this is the nostalgic past that joa's never known of me, which explains why i simply had to buy that new dress for the occasion! gosh, men.

Everyday Men Style

2009-08-06T08:44:00.000-07:00

Have I ever bragged about being married to one of the best dressed dude I've ever known? I'm sure you must have heard about me going on about how vain Joa is. About his hair, his weight, his complexion. Like his hair: omg, after each haircut, he'll spend the rest of the day looking in the mirror and asking me if it looks ok. And his complexion: whenever he spots a zit, he'd never be too embarrassed to walk around with a thick wad of pimple gel on it. His weight: I shan't have to repeat how often in a day does he look into the mirror to make sure the love handles are in check.

anyway. what i'm trying to say is, he's set up a blog about addressing the everyday men's style. covering hair, complexion, dressing, and shoes issue. becos he is disgusted about my stand on designer goods hold better quality thus their price, he's out to prove that economical clothes labels can still make a charmer out of every person. so here it is, my darling's very first business venture. i hope you'd all help spread the word around and get all the guys to tune in. tell them it has really good fashion tips that could revolutionise their romantic life without costing an expensive makeover.

Joa's http://EverydayMenStyle.blogspot.com!

happy 28th birthday

2009-08-02T22:56:00.000-07:00

from now on, i have a new someone to celebrate my birthday with. just in the morning, i'd reminised about how i'd spent my 27th. a cosy dinner with a few closest friends at an american restaurant in jianwai soho.

we didn't do much on the day itself. just went shopping in the day, and in the evening, Dad brought us out for crabs. loved the salted egg one.

presents this year: a new mobile phone from joa, earrings, a new mascara (this time it's turqoise colour), and a eyeliner crayon from my bestest girlfriends; and from myself, my very first kate spade (a leather 'bucket' bag)!

not missing out of course, one of my favourite gift from God - my little monster boy :)

back on the hunt again

2009-07-22T02:56:00.000-07:00

i am starting to look for work again. people have been asking me if and when was i going back to work. i must say that is the toughest question.

Little J has just passed the three-month milestone. and now that he's beginning to settle down into a routine, i know it's also about time i face reality and hit the rat race again.

so i started poring over the job search websites again and i must say how much i abhore those online application forms! can't they just stick to email where attaching an email makes life so much easier. anyway, this time, i feel myself not much in a rush. sure i need the money. sure my savings is depleting one after another. but when i see that little smile, that cute squeal, and those beautiful eyes, i just wish everyone else could just leave me alone. (so you see, it's not just cable TV that's been keeping me home!)

but i know this is not being very smart and it's just the hormones acting up. surely i will applaud myself for making the decision to return to work once i get my hands on that gucci bag.

i have an interview tmr. it's a recommendation from my cousin. frankly, i'm not keen. but i think it'll be good exercise and preparation for me to return to the workforce. it might also be a potential employer.

have i ever lamented just how treacherous job hunting is? it sucks. it feels like subjecting oneself under the mercy of employers who scrutinise, judge you, and put a pricetag on you.

on to happier things. my birthday is coming. it's at least something to look forward to with nice dinners with family and friends. my wishlist? a new mobile (already got), a pair of earrings (that tourmaline one!), the pair of CNY clogs, and dinner at Ben & Jerry's. *hint hint*

Julian @ 10 weeks

2009-07-16T08:12:00.000-07:00

taken two weeks back when the little darling was 10 weeks old. he's grown so fast. too fast. unlike the scrawny little alien looking bundle we brought home from the hospital. now, he is spotting a double-chin (no neck), has hair growing all in the right places, became fairer, makes baby noises, and smiles and squeals like every adorable baby.

everyone at home love him to bits. even my snob of a brother. it's amazing how much joy a baby brings to people. whenever we bring Little J out, everyone starts peering into the stroller. it's like a natural thing to do. so imagine when joa's carrying the baby and everyone looks into the stroller i'm pushing only to find my shopping bags. no adorable baby but one shopaholic mother.

gtg cut this short. baby's up and hungry!

on writing

2009-07-15T00:51:00.000-07:00

i miss writing. miss overlooking a grand scenary for inspiration and then pouring my heart out on the notebook. yesterday, i felt a sudden angst to write a story. a story that i've always known yet have hesitated because i was taught at school that we should never write about ourselves, but only about things that we know best.

need to get my own notebook fixed and running and start to pen fantasies onto 'paper'. anyone know where i can get cheap laptop repairs?

new look!

2009-07-14T23:48:00.000-07:00

... and new phone :)))

money matters

2009-07-05T06:07:00.001-07:00

i hate to think about money. i only like the things it can buy.

joa's recently turned into this self-taught financial guru. reading up about financial IQ from books and websites, whatever he can get his hands on. and then he'd turn the advice on me, lecturing me about my spendthrift ways.

i do not deny that i am a spendthrift. i buy everything i fancy and often maxing out what cash i have. and i know it's a bad habit. i don't need three different blue mascaras, five different tones of blushers, two of the same t-shirt in different colours, and the list goes on for clothes, shoes, bags and everything else.

what can i say? i love to shop. i love to pore over the shelfs for new things. i love the novelty of wearing something new, using something new and exploring something new. yet i know all these are an utter waste of money. that at the end of the day, they all land up in the thrash can.

he's been reminding me of the money we need to save for our new place. for renovation, for the swanky furnitures that i want, and for the exotic looking wallpaper i want for our feature wall. where's all the money gonna come from? from years of penny-pinching of course. that means, being practical in my wishlist, omitting items that i can do without and quit my habit of buying anything i set my eyes on.

i plead with guilt.

we've been debating about my plan to get a new phone for months. the current one is glitchy - we both agree - and unfashionable - i agree. i had initially set my eyes on the E61i. the boorish predecessor of the E71. how i came to this is quite a irrational. i'd seen someone with it (the red one) and she looked darned cool with it. and so there was this stall that had it (the same red one) with a price that was agreeable - $300 less than the E71.

i tried to set joa up for it as a birthday gift. first of all, he thought it was an ugly phone and second of all, he thought it had too many functions that i didn't use. but most of all, he knew i didn't need a new phone. and i didn't.

at the end, after many hours prowling all the mobile stalls in the neighbourhood, he offered to buy me the LG Ice cream which he felt was more suited to me. so here it is, my final indulgence. i hope with this, i will learn to be wiser in the way i spend my money and finally attain my ideal person - the super woman who's not only flashy in her outlook, but also with an impressive bank balance.

luxury

2009-06-24T01:54:00.000-07:00

my perk-me-up. and Joa in the driver's seat. newbie driving with both hands. haha!

pre-bedtime mumblings

2009-06-23T07:28:00.000-07:00

Joa got his driver's licence last Thursday and I'm both proud and relieved. Now that things are so much more convenient since I get to nurse Cookie in the car. He was also on half-day work today so we swung by TPY to get a NUK bottle (and of course, bubble tea!).

I've decided to trust the experts' recommendation and combine bottle and breast feeding - without myself present during bottle time. Also, I should take the opportunity and go on an afternoon shopping trip while leaving Cookie with Mum and the Bottle. Perhaps then I'll begin to see The Bottle in a more positive light.

Just for the record

We're getting a hang of Cookie now. Wake up call at 6am (darn it!), afternoon naps at 12pm, bedtime at 9pm (too early!), midnight feed at 2am (urgh!), and needing to soothe or feed at 4am (and if we're unlucky, every hour after!). He hates to be anywhere else but home; loves the wind in the garden; hates having his neck scrubbed; loves the sound of water running. His best source of comfort: his dad, of course. His favourite toys being the Winnie-The-Pooh mobile over his cotbed, the cow beanie, and Cookie Monster. His worst time of the day: tummy time.

Joa - great job as dad. Already bored of his new appointment as Infantry Officer and infatuated with Papaya Milk.

Me? I've regained about 70% of stamina for running - 4km at the track and 5km on the treadmill all under 40mins. My weight has reached a plateau for over almost two months now and I still have 7kg to shed. Still unable to fit into my bottoms but the gap is closing in. Breasts still huge as ever - hate it - and still having trouble with damned pump.

Appetite: irresistable to Koi Cafe and have odd cravings for Double Cheeseburger. In fact the cravings are so bad I think of having them both everyday.

Sleep: extremely tired. Most mornings I am awoken by Cookie whimpering about wanting to go for a walk in the garden. So I ignore him and bear with his incessant cries until I awake an hour or two later to find him fast asleep next to me.

Activity: Apart from quick running sessions and the brief drive-outs for bubble tea and other necessities, I'm mostly at home, watching the online videos and breastfeeding.

What I'm excited about: Dad's installing cable tv (finally!), weekly maccas treat, bubble tea, and the coming issue of Cleo. Weird since I've never credited any of those articles. But I'm really reading it for the fashion, beauty and medical infotainment.

What I miss especially: hanging out long hours with friends talking about everything and nothing.

taking special pride

2009-06-22T01:52:00.001-07:00

Call me one of those neurotic mums obsessed with and believing that everyone out there has dubious intentions towards her own child because I've just turned into one of those.

I've been muddled with nightmares of weaning Cookie on the bottle and today, I've finally taken that bold step. It was a Medela teat that I'd just bought this afternoon, so I could afix it to the bottle and direct its entire, what-little contents. It wasn't one of those orthodontic, nature-mimicked ones. Just plan, ordinary, small-size teat. For a moment, Cookie seemed confused. Then he started suckling, too hard, at the alien thing. When he choked on the milk, I had to restrain from yanking it out of his mouth.

Mum was happily feeding him and telling me for the umpteenth time the benefits of having the milk pumped out. One of which - her favourite - was that we'd at least know if he was drinking enough. Obviously, Cookie had been overfed because it's been more than three hours since the last feed, an extension from his usual 2-hour routine.

I later spent the next two hours, trying to compensate that amount. Diligently pumping with the mechanical piece of plastic and fighting off resenting thoughts. I prayed and sought the balance. Despite swollen aerolas and bleeding nipples, I'm still 10ml short.

A simple, natural ritual such as bottle weaning my baby could turn me into such emotional wreck. I'm shocked at the transformation. When I look at him, I'd whisper about how his grandmother is gonna come between us. The crazy work of the hormones, not me.

I felt as if someone was tearing us apart. I felt I could not trust my own mother to take care of my child. But that's completely untrue. I've just gone a tad mad.

They say babies grow too fast. And in this instance, they start exploring life and the world forgetting you.

Hence the banner and the profile pic. I might as well indulge in this while I still can. When my baby is still a baby. Therefore, pardon me if i'm putting up too many pics of Cookie in fb and blogspot. I understand how irritating it feels because I was once irritated by new mothers who did that. But now that I am one, I finally understand why he's my pride and joy. And someday, when you are one too, you'll know.

conspiring act

2009-06-14T22:30:00.000-07:00

some sort of social play

2009-06-13T00:48:00.000-07:00

last night, we finally had our first 'social' dinner with friends. although it was just at J8, and we had to sit outside the restaurant where there was less air-con becos of the stroller; but still it was nice.

it's great to see my friends happily in love. i am reminded of those days where we'd meet at orchard, talking about this crush and that - comforting one another and wondering who's plight was worse. now, both of them are happily in love and our partners get along! now i wish they'd hurry and have kids so we can do playdates together.

updates

2009-06-09T20:14:00.000-07:00

my ears are much better today although they still leave stains on my pillows in the nights much to joa's disgust.

yesterday i made my conclusive trip to my gynae for the final checkup and pap smear. my doc calls me "the brave girl" and advised me not to "listen to the turkeys" about my self-doubts about breast-feeding. i love going to his clinic and hearing him banter about no-nonsense medical theories. there's always something new to learn.

we're coming on to the 7th week and Cookie can now coo instead of just plain wailing. he's also beginning to smile more and exhibit moods (best in the morning and dwindles to worst in the evenings). i'm also starting to get a hang of his nap times (usually at the most inconvenient hours), and his feeds.

as for me, i've finally reconciled the fact that motherhood means i'll have to sacrifice time to myself, shopping and social life. but funny how it's all starting to fall so easily. yesterday we were at the mall and while joa was occupied at the tcm clinic for his massage, it meant i had time alone to shop. but as i walked through my favourite labels and peered through the window at the massive sales, i somehow felt a greater urge to head to Kiddy Palace to check out breastpumping accessories instead.

and oh, we (finally) bought a baby sling. it's of a nice rich purple colour and i'm still getting a hang of it. i tried putting Cookie in it but he's still struggling. retaining still a bit of my sense for fashion, i find this a much trendier way rather than joa's which comprises of a car seat mounted atop an old hand-me-down stroller.

i'm becoming emotional about weaning the Cookie to a bottle. even tho it'll still be breastmilk, but for some reason i feel edgy at the thought that he might reject me after the bottle is introduced. joa said i'm nuts and that i'm missing the point of parenthood which is hope for our children to grow up independant and strong. it was a horrible reminder becos he's so adorably tiny now but alas, he's growing too fast!

i feel uneasy just having Cookie sit in his chair all day. at first, i'd thought having colourful toys and music overhead would help stimulate his senses. and now that it's all been done, he looks really bored and i fear he'd turn stupid just sitting there for hours on stretch.

should i read him some stories since i'm not a really 'fun' kind of mommy. joa's really good with him, i must say. there are times when Cookie is left alone with me that i can sense that he wants his dad more than me since i'm no fun at all. so that brings me back to the whole bottle-feeding issue. if Cookie decides he likes the bottle, then what's good left of me?

a muffled world

2009-06-05T08:38:00.000-07:00

i've gone into a temporary state of muffled deafness due to a bout of ear infection. it started more than a week ago but my clumsiness in taking proper care of it has made it worse. therefore, i'm not stuck in one of the worst discomfort ever - being (almost) deaf!

for a few days, i started feeling sad that i now hear a very distant form of my infant's cries. i have to be prompted more than once by joa whenever he wants to tell me something. i can't hear the TV so i have to rely on subtitles to help me understand what's going on. i realise i'm also speaking a tad louder just so i can hear myself.

i'm worried. worried that this might be a chronic affliction. i've still got an antiseptic drop from the GP and i hope this is not too late.

today, we attempted our first trip to Orchard with Little J and it was awful. Little J was restless the whole time wanting to be carried and i only had Z for help (she was great btw) till Joa went off for his driving lessons for 3 hours. in the end, we had to call of dinner with her new beau and head home in a cab only to land 2 very exhausting us and a very grouchy baby who has fallen into a deep slumber since over 4hours.

everywhere's on sale yet i cannot buy anything becos i'm too ashamed of my post-natal figure. breastfeeding was a pain as nurseries are never too private, convenient, and clean. but being around other mothers made me feel better about the throes of it. although i must say i did feel a little inadequate while they had their chubby babies while mine was scrawny as compared to theirs (tho theirs' much older).

i hope i can just wake up tomorrow morning and have my hearing restored. meanwhile i'm still thinking about that pair of clogs. i dun need it though i really love it.

Baby Party!

2009-05-18T06:22:00.000-07:00

We are having a baby party to celebrate Julian turn one-month old :))

Third Week

2009-05-11T18:01:00.001-07:00

Into my third week now. The Cookie has his moments and sometimes I get flustered trying to hush him out of one of his fits. BF is progressing well and I'm making plans on how I can manage BF while on the outs without having to expose one breast to the public eye and juggle shopping and BF at the same time. I'm tempted to try the breast pump. But to do that, I may have to feed him on formula for one day while I pump for the second and introduce him the rubber teat which I imagine, will cause him to forget how to latch.

On that. I find myself going bonkers just thinking about him not on breastmilk but on formula. I am somehow convinced that he'd be missing out on a whole lot of good nutrients and having him on formula will make him a lesser person. I know that's not true and I'm still trying to convince myself out of it. Because how else am I going to head back to work and my exercise regime?

I also imagine that people are trying to sneak in other forms of liquids to him that to an extent, I dream of it happening! Last night, I dreamt I had bought three bowls of yam paste dessert and later found out that my dad had fed one of them to him. At 3.30am, I woke up and realised it's been almost five hours since the last feed and started to worry how much milk supply has depleted and if my dad really did feed him yam paste!

The madness of motherhood.

Yesterday, Joa and I went shopping after a checkup with the gynae. I started getting paranoid over germs in the air and kept checking to see if Cookie was still breathing. Strangers who enquired about him guessed he was about more than a month old. Then when I said he was barely two weeks, you could see this silence that befell on their faces. Like taking him outdoors now was an abomination. And that added to my fears.

We're planning the full-month party, or rather, parties now (we're having three sessions). Getting ready the cakes, caterers and sending out the invites. Friends will come a week later so don't panic if you haven't got it yet.

The Cookie is up. I need to go now.

... wide open

2009-05-05T03:58:00.000-07:00

eyes and...
jaws!

Week One

2009-05-03T01:37:00.000-07:00

It's been a big week - and a very different one too. Caring for Lil' J was hard work. Trying to decipher his cries was quite another. Struggling to strike a balance and requesting for understanding from well-meaning relatives about my confinement practice was a huge hurdle. Then there was the baby blues which ranged from the common urge to cry irregardless and the extreme end of the pendulum where my mind was flooded with pictures of the baby dead and cold.

Nine days since the night I went into labour and Joa and I had not had an uninterrupted night of sleep. Getting up in the middle of the night to nurse for hours is painful. But I do consider myself lucky to have Joa by my side. He hasn't complained and would always take the initiative to change the wet nappies, or cradle the baby just so I could sneak in cat naps.

Many people has asked me about my labour experience. It hurt like hell but mine was short (3+ hours) and I bore the pain without the epidural. My advice to everyone: get a good gynae, and don't think about the epidural. I did love the gas though. It made me so high that in between contractions, I'd drift into dreamland, forgetting that I was in labour.

Then Lil' J was born. In the midst of my drowsiness, I heard his faint squalling. When they put him on my chest, it didn't immediately register in me that this was my child. 24 hours later, I found myself sleepless in the night so I snuck out to the nursery to take a peek at him. How adorable he was. I felt like a happy mummy.

A lot of people came by to visit with nice hampers and congratulations. My stay at the hospital was enjoyable although not very comfortable. Too noisy and the bed felt too warm.

Then I came home and Mum began fussing about traditional confinement practices, mostly restricting my diet. But thank God i still got to shower - thrice a day; and shampoo - everyday. Relatives came by and warned me about drinking water and not indulging in herbs and tonics (Doctor's orders which they told me not to eat into it). It's funny how they disregard professional advice but take to old wives' tales from old China.

Lil' J is a contented baby for now. I try to nurse him as much as he likes and he's pooping and peeing to his heart's content.

I'm feeling a lot better now although I'm still bored as hell. There doesn't seem to be a routine or anything to look forward to in the day. The baby is one. But it's depressing knowing your movements and eating desires are restricted. Overall, I'm okay, for now.

happy mummy!

2009-04-26T21:25:00.000-07:00

39 weeks

2009-04-21T03:22:00.000-07:00

I'm due any time now. Dr C said we'll induce if Lil' J is not out by 5th May. Joa and I had a mini-celebration this morning announcing that Lil' J is now officially a Taurus - admired for their determination, drive, loyalty and kindness.

We did our final shopping this morning: some fitted sheets, a blanket and some towels. Joa is now busy assembling an Ikea drawer chest that Mum bought for the baby. For the past few days, I feel tired easily, restless, and sweaty all the time. I also get sudden numbs around my inner thighs. My weight has come to a standstilll and I haven't put on an ounce since the last check-up a month ago. At the moment, we're pondering over how to go about donating the cord blood and contemplating a medical policy.

It's nice to have Joa at home and sitting out the final twosome days. Although I know I will miss the privacy we now share but I'm sure the new addition would only bring us both closer together as a couple and family.

39 weeks. How time flies. 10 glorious, eventful months! Strangely, I can't remember how it felt un-pregnant. It feels like bading farewell to my old self and welcoming the adult me.

Nursery Corner

2009-04-14T19:57:00.000-07:00

Progress! We've finally set up a little nursery corner in my room and madeshift a wardrobe space in my bookshelf. The cot bet arrived yesterday. A bundle package from the departmental store which came with a mattress, quilt set and bath basin. We also bought lots of stuffs from Kiddy Palace: vests, nappies, creams, lotions, and other necessities.

In the evening, Joa and I sat on the floor looking up at the white cot, finding it somehow disturbing that it's all going to happen so soon. It's a whole rojak of feelings - fear, excitement, apprehension, disbelief. It was like living out the Chan Brothers' travel ad: "Life could never be the same again" - a rollercoaster ride.

Frankly, we're both mentally and emotionally ill-prepared for this. Unsure if we'd even make the mark. But when I look at my friends' pictures on FB - those who'd recently had their own babies - I get this tinge of envy and assurance knowing that soon enough, my FB album will also be filled with these pictures of joy.

tattoos

2009-04-03T00:03:00.000-07:00

Joa has a tattoo on his arm. It’s not a conspicuous one. Just a small, simple design of the Southern Cross, or sun, or star, I cannot quite make it out. He had it done last year to commemorate his years living in the Down under. He’s quite pleased with it. So pleased that he now talks about having a tattoo of our baby’s name on his chest. So we argue over it.

I’m not one for tattoos. I think the symbol and sentiments of one is merely known to one self. Other it being a show-off that you’re trendy, fearless, and have a higher threshold for pain, it can also be a topic for an ice-breaker when you meet a stranger. Plus, I always thought tattoos on men and women tend to attract the wrong kind of company since it makes you out to be someone you’re not.

I personally think tattoos are ugly. When I was younger I had a classmate who had one done just above her hips. She was extremely slim and very attractive. Went around with her helmet, smoked, and wore thick makeup. We were chatting about her many tattoos and he told me she was masochistic. So at that point, it got me thinking that maybe I cd be like her. Have a tattoo, keep my hair long, and wear thick eye liners. Later, I gave up that idea for practical reasons – 1) Tattoos would stretch along with any weight gain and 2) Tattooing was itself, a horribly bloody, painful process.

I have lady cousins who have tattoos done and one of them regrets it. Out of the several people I know who’s had tattoos, none of them are really proud of it. So that’s another damper.

Joa’s tattoo is not ugly or offensive. I’m so accustomed to it that I don’t see it anymore. But to have another one (on his chest!) would be a real put off. I keep telling him that I love his body. And I really do! I don’t think I’d seen any other men with such a gorgeous body. But to have anor tattoo emblazoned across his chest at my eye level is gonna be quite a drastic change.

We were arguing about Megan Joy, the 23-year-old blond from American idol, who had a huge colourful body art across one shoulder. She’s a beautiful girl but when I first saw her, I must have expressed my disgust a bit too loudly. So for weeks, we’d debate about why I think she should be ousted. And Joa is quite fond of her. Then again, he’s taking my disgust too personally.

I mean, she appears to be this pretty chick with blond bangs and then that huge tattoo just ruins any sundress of hers. Kinda dumb, innit’?

But Joa still thinks I’m prejudiced. I’m not (although I did a little mental jig when I saw the news about her being eliminated last night). But she definitely didn’t lose becos of her tattoo. She just lost because she didn’t quite have the idol quality. (And it cd have been becos of the tattoo.)

And to prove to Joa that I’m really not against him having anor tattoo, he can have another for all he wants. So long as it’s my name that he’s tattooing. That’ll teach all the other gals to stay away from him :)

Anyway, we made a pact. So long as I don’t go get a motorbike license, he’ll stay away from the tattoo parlour.

2009-03-30T02:38:00.000-07:00

I’d just reminded Joa that if we’re in luck, we might have just five more weeks. Otherwise, it’d be sooner. The thought of being in a cold, sterile room with people poking sharp things between my legs while I endure hours of excruciating pain is freaking me out. I think about how I’ll be away from the comforts of my home, bed and family. But on the brighter note, at least I’ll be well underway to repossessing my body.

My legs are swollen beyond shape. I feel a tad self-conscious whenever I am out so these days I try to doll up a little bit more. Btw, I’ve a new hairdo. Back to basic straight. I hated it at first, even lost a night’s sleep over it. Joa tot that was funny. Said it was a weird thing to lose sleep about. Then I started getting used to it. I still dun love it. I just wish it’d grow faster.

We had wonderful shopping over the weekend. And I got some earrings, mascara and makeup. We got lucky because last week, Mum went shopping and rang me at work to tell me she was buying Little J a cot bed. So that was a substantial financial offload. How nice it is to earn your own keep. Although Joa was livid when I bought my third mascara, he couldn’t quite say anything besides the usual I-must-never-give-you-charge-of-my-money laments.

Then I saw many lovely clothes out there which jolted me to excitement about being out of pregnancy. They say the final month is the longest of all and I can so understand it now. My legs and back hurt. And I miss my weekly runs where I can feel the wind in my face and hair. I miss wearing heels and short tight skirts and can’t wait to learn rollerblading again. There’s just a thousand and one things I want to do but I’d first have to go through the throes of labour. Joa reminded me that I have only the serpent to blame for painful childbirth. That was supposed to be funny and making a whole lot of sense.

We watched Gran Torino. It was great. One of the more moving films I’ve caught in a long time. In fact I’d teared a little. My brother who hadn’t watched it had warned me that it was quite a violent show. It wasn’t. In fact it was just about an aged, lonely ex-soldier who needed a friend.

Someone hold my hand.

New days

2009-03-24T00:35:00.000-07:00

Huge week. The Dialogue with MM Lee was quite an experience although the waiting bit was agonizing (he arrived 45 mins late). Other than that, he shared his insight on the economy, relations between countries, and his crystal-ball take of Singapore in the near future.

Joa and I had the perfect weekend. Had slow brunch at his favourite prata place (we both ate a stack of prata!), bought bubble at my favourite stall, did a bit of mundane shopping, watched DVDs, went to church, had Sunday lunch with my family, had seafood dinner with his family, gathered up with friends for a cosy and interactive meal, and had a couple of love-making sessions (which is getting to be trickier with my swelling belly). It’s the simple things that make up wonderful days. If only every weekend was this carefree and relaxing. Marriage could never turn bad.

My folks were lamenting about my (miserable) career again. They feel I’ve never stayed in a job long enough to get a performance bonus, increment or job promotion. They were right. I haven’t since I first started in 2005. It was discouraging and quite frustrating to me. I mean, who didn’t want to be cream of the crop? So I was thinking about it while on the bus to work. I guess circumstances just happened. And even if I had to go through that period again, I doubt anything would change. The flipside of it all were all the wonderful people I’ve met and who’ve helped me through my journey in their special small ways.

I’ve been thinking about crossing disciplines for some time. It first began with casual thoughts and then over the last two months, I found myself thinking about it for a fair bit. I still want to be a journalist/ writer/ Press writer, etc. I was even telling Joa I want to start a Singapore’s version of Cosmopolitan magazine, educating women about sex, relationship, marriage, and relationships. I even aspire to be an Oprah Winfrey of Singapore – not her philanthropic ways, but have a talkshow like hers. There’re so many things I want to be. And then I thought about how since the divorce, I’d always wanted to help women overcome difficult times in life. And seriously, even as I’m writing this, I still dunno what I really want.

But staying comfortable in an office cubicle and sneaking a blog entry or two in between writing letters and F&B promotions is not going to help me get anywhere closer to my aspirations. Age is catching up. And I’m also too lazy to make any big changes. So I don’t know. But I am excited about getting back into the job hunt again. At least once again, I get to decide and choose again.

Pregnancy update: I’m into my 35th week, which means I’ve got about 5 weeks (plus n minus) left. We’re now short of a baby cot, diapers, toys, and other miscellaneous stuffs that mums carry around – i.e. nipple cream, wet tissues, etc. I’m also having a hearty appetite, but overeating makes me sick. My back hurts more and I can’t sit or stand in the same position for long. Lying on the bed is best. It takes the pressure off everywhere.

Work updates: my workplace violates every new policy that MOM is trying to promote. It is rigid, and staff performance is based on long working hours and any form of net-surfing or newspaper reading is a sign of skiving. Except the HODs, no one puts on a happy face. Everyone is just plain serious and buried head down into files because apparently, there are ‘spies’ around.
It’s a lovely day outside. Just cloudy and cool. I wish I was back on my bed so I can relieve my aching back and take a nap with Joa. It’s funny how every morning feels like a new miracle.

late nite

2009-03-20T09:57:00.000-07:00

omg. i am so exhausted. today we started work at 8.30am and ended only at 12mn. thankfully there was cab allowance so i got to travel in decent comfort home without having to fork out a cent.

i realised i'm starting to get used to my colleagues. even tho i can't quite converse with more than half of them, but at least, i dun feel foreign. but today was an awakening call. we had MM Lee come to the Club for the Official Opening Ceremony and i got to meet his Press Sec. really nice, sweet lady who gives u that grandmotherly 'feel'. altho she was dressed, not in a powersuit, but in a floral silk blouse and cream pants, u cd see how she was commanding all the respect and her prowess esp when u see the Audi she drives. how impressive. i was totally taken aback.

that's the job i want. that's the kind of super career woman i want to be. not in fancy clothes and the latest hairstyle, but just a kind of simple, and inviting person that everyone naturally takes to.

i want to tell all about tonight but joa's snoring is really getting into me and i think my brain is starting to go into snooze mode. it's the weekend tmr. how wonderful (:

(sneaking) back...

2009-03-17T23:43:00.000-07:00

I’ve been falling short of updates lately all thanks to a new contract job and bad luck for having been caught blogging at work. It didn’t cost me the job (though I sometimes wished it did), but I did get a warning from the HR.

Anyway. I’m down 35 days and have 22 more (excruciating) ones to go. You can tell how much I’m absolutely loving this. I’m not gonna complain about my job because I think most of my friends and J has heard me going on at it. And I figured, it’s pointless. Getting this job in the first place was a miracle. Finishing it would be a huge accomplishment.

Last night, we went to watch a musical by the theatre students of Lasalle. It was pretty impressive and a good show. Although it was disheartening to realise that most of the cast were foreigners. I guess performing arts could never naturally be a Singaporean thing. We can’t sing, can’t dance, but can speak with a lousy accent. I also realised I’m never one for musical. I dun fancy stage acting and find it mere pretense. I hate the singing but did love the music. I’m better off at a music concert.

We’ve been going around shopping for a baby cot for the baby. Everything is terribly expensive but we’re lucky my cousins have been passing on some of their baby stuffs. So far, we’ve saved on 2 strollers, a breast pump, breast pads, a playpen, a child seat, a sarong sling, a baby carrier. Plus we spent some of those free taka vouchers we got on our wedding on some milk bottles and sterilizer.
Now, we’re still debating which babycot to get and if we even need a diaper bag. I saw some nice ones from Mothercare, but they’re awfully pricey. I’m also still short of a soft toy for the baby to hug to sleep with. It’s hard to find any toy that is not made those soft furs. I just want one that is made of a towel material.

We’ve got a huge event coming up this Friday and if I’m lucky, I might just get a glimpse of MM Lee in the flesh.

6.5 hours more to go before I can head home and hit the shack.

moody bitch of a weather too

2009-03-02T01:48:00.000-08:00

just when i'm starting to feel a slight chirpier, and as the clock begins to tick towards 6pm (13 more mins to be exact), there is a loud rumble of thunder.

at least i can say i've accomplished quite a fair bit of work today. i'm braving through the rain, irregardless if it should rain cats and dogs. that's it. i deserve a good wholesome dinner tonight. and that durian too.

there goes another rumble. shoot.

moody bitch

2009-03-02T00:46:00.000-08:00

i've been feeling irritable of late. irritated of having to commute on the public transport to work and irritated upon realising that my quality of life has dipped way below.

and with this, i find fault with the people around me - my mum for not being understanding, my brother for being a selfish pig, my dad for appearing undisturbed, the government for Singapore being the country with the worst work practices, and finally God, for making Singapore this sunny, scorching-to-death, shitty place that has nothing of a scenary or culture or anything that can make life just a tad more tolerable.

the victim of all my complains is joa who blames himself for not being able to provide me with a car to drive to work, and not being to get a job that pays well enough for me to be a stay-home mum-to-be. he tells me he feels bad even when i have to walk from the mrt station home. and no matter how i assure and reassure him, he'd still take it that he's to blame.

the thing is, i should not even be complaining.

first of all, all these walking can only help me put off the double extra antenatal pounds i could have gained and, according to one book source, it should elevate my varicose vein condition. second of all, all the long travelling to and fro work can only toughen me up and prove to myself that i can be as independant and discipline as i want myself to be. and finally, i need to remind myself that my parents do not have to give me anything more than they already have. there are so many countless blessings that i have today that i should and ought to attribute to them. and most of all, the truth is, although i wake up grouchy at the unearthly hour, yet inside of me, i feel my heart flutter when i turn around and see joa snoozing right beside me. through my waking hours, i look forward to calling off a day at work and finally heading home to see him and spend the rest of the evening just watching telly with him.

although i didn't remember feeling this disgruntled in beijing, but everything else wrong about being born and living in the country cannot be helped. i need to learn to count my blessings - a best friend for a husband, a baby on the way, scores of close-knitted friends i can always count on for a good chill-out session (without having them tell me to make ridiculous 'prior bookings'!) and a job that pays me well enough to buy pretty things simply for the fun of it even during this time of crisis.

last week, i had the liberty of driving the car to work and i realised how indispensable a car is to living an acceptable standard of life. i've always chided friends, joa and my parents for thinking that a car at my current stage of life is even necessary when it is known to be a liability. but today, i found myself saying aloud to a fellow colleague that i was driving out of church yesterday at noon time and i saw the bus stop packed with well-dressed fellow church-goers fanning themselves furiously when it occured to me how a car can bring you a kind of happiness that only money can buy. and so, i am now seriously considering joa's all-time suggestion to get our own car by the end of the year.

nonetheless, i'm back at the point of my life where i feel oblivious to anything. on saturday, C and i had gone shopping and i was just asking her what it's like to date in Singapore. and i meant it as in, where do couples go on dates and what can you possibly do in Singapore that is even remotely romantic? not to appear like i'm totally mistaken here, there are numerous places joa and i are planning to visit - namely, the zoo, the night safari (which i haven't been), the mandai reserves, sentosa beach and other kitschy nightspots. then there are places where we want to go and dine at: tony romas, modestos, california pizza kitchen, and kway chap at toa payoh. but every weekend, we get intimidated by the heat outside and decide to best head home and lay in bed.

on to more optimistic things, i'm thinking of rounding up the gals for anor dinner & gossip session. and maybe i shd make a trip to cold storage at 9pm for that cheap durian offer. i think some sugar high could do me good.

i need to remind myself that i am happy. that despite not having a few luxury items that only money can buy, at least i do own some happiness that no amount of money can buy.

joy joy joy

2009-02-25T20:37:00.000-08:00

Little J's first ultrasound scan when i was 9 weeks pregnant

have i ever mentioned how much i enjoy being pregnant? nevermind that the discomfort and the dismal at not being able to fit into all the nice clothes going on huge discounts, but i actually enjoy looking at my expanding belly and especially at night, just lying flat and watching the surface jiggle with every baby movement.

then the other night, it got me thinking how much i'm gonna miss this. i mean, being pregnant the second or third time is not going to be the same. this is the only time i can bond so closely with my first child. and frankly speaking, 9 months is going to fly by so quick. i'm already approaching the end of my 7th.

the other night, the girls and i went to Dempsey for some fancy dinner. it's been a long time since we've had such a good time eating at such a nice place. House serves really good fish n chips and salad. and i love the teasers.

so we had a good chat. been a long time since it's just been the three of us. i've always felt something good about this trio arrangement. it's been almost 10 years since we've rounded up and i think friends this long and this intimate are by far a rarity. and i'm glad God set us up for this.

we're planning a baby shower with just a few more close friends, perhaps some time next month when i'm close to the due. i'm thinking of getting joa to cook, or we'd order in some pizzas and play pictionary.

tonight i'll be making chocolate truffles so joa can take to his colleagues tomorrow on his last day. tomorrow night, we're gonna go for our belated V-day dinner and stay over at his place. hopefully i can get some lovemaking in action. *smiles*

insanity that drives one to foolish stunts

2009-02-24T00:22:00.000-08:00

Pedophilia is something i can never understand. i can understand insanity and the want to kill someone you hate or even take your own life. but i can never understand how can an adult bring themselves to violate a child just to get an orgasm.

the teacher who got 10 months in jail for having sex with an underaged boy: i honestly pity her. i pity that she was desperate enough to resort to finding love and comfort in another child half her age. i pity her that there wasn't another adult who could help and guide her to seek proper help. i pity that it didn't even occur to her that locking herself up in her room and secretly watching porn and masturbating could actually be more pleasurable and understandable than having intercourse with a child who is still going through puberty. in the end, the verdict is this: she may not fully deserve it, but she did commit a heinous crime that deserves a lifetime of shame.

i don't think the public should feel pity for the 15-yr old boy or his parents to begin with. the boy got off the hook despite that he's tried to blackmail. his parents got all the encouraging words despite that they didn't take their own son in hand. in the end, the real victims really, are the two young children of the woman. now left motherless and completely losing their trust, respect and love for their own mother forever.

why take sex out on a young person? a person that's not fully developed in his mentality as well as libido. why cheapen sex and your own body in this way? isn't sex something sacred and utterly intimate that you share with your one and only? why cheapen all of that when you can actually find love (and eventually, sex) in a perfectly functioning full-grown adult more capable of providing you with the loving care and security you need? why look for it in a child and violate his innocence?

and what more, why do it to your own child? men who fornicate their own child should go straight to hell. i wonder what happens to pedophiles upon their release? do they continue to cheapen sex and live day to day without expecting civilities from people around them? how does one live like that?

the throes of working life

2009-02-23T19:26:00.000-08:00

driving to work is like sheer luxury. even tho i have to put up with traffic congestion through amk ave 1, lornie rd, and later aye. but it still beats having to walk uphill under the hot sun and squeezing in the mrt and the looong bus ride.

yesterday we hit a new record, arriving home at 7pm, instead of the usual 8pm. i also get to sleep in half hour later. sheer bliss! but it's just for this week. until my bro's recess week is over and he gets to own the car again :(

waking up early for woke is simply crazy. each morning, we arise at 6am/ 630am, get ready for work and make our way. we get into the office at 830am and don't get off till after 6pm. by the time we get back, it's 8pm. our stomachs are growling and we're absolutely washed out from the day. we turn it at about 10pm.

for 3 weeks, this has been our routine. so we got talking about how there is simply zero balance in our current lifestyle. we dun exercise on weekdays and weekends we're just too poofed to do anything except to catch up on sleep, or to try to recover from some ailment. despite all these, we meet up with friends once a week, have sex only during the weekend, and still, we find ourselves making a lot of effort. how can we ever cope in the future with a growing child and the want to exercise and hang out with friends on a regular basis.

i find singapore needs a serious revamp on the work policies. official working hours should be 5 days and from 9am to 5pm. otherwise, don't preach about work-life balance. it's all just about work and none about living.

the good thing is that joa ends his work this friday. which means he'll be less grouchy but i'll have to make my own way to work with my expanding belly. my legs are horribly swollen and Dr Cheng said it's gonna be a permanent scarring since my case is unusually serious.

i cannot believe i have been here for three weeks now. it's been quite a breeze. but i feel awfully exhausted. i guess it's good that joa take a short break till his new job. at least i can get all the cuddles and snuggles that i need to recharge.

cute

2009-02-17T20:21:00.000-08:00

so that was the little surprise joa had for me. i found it extremely endearing because he said the assembly of the items made up both of us - love, marriage and baby on the way :) he'd planned to take me out that evening for a nice dinner but i didn't want to squeeze with the crowd and so we followed my parents to the Club and took a looong stroll (act just 40 mins, but both our legs were aching like mad) and later had supper at east coast food place where my parents dragged us on another looong walk around the cable ski lagoon.

it was a hardly romantic day but i think we got the squeeze out of it - flowers, exchange of lovey-dovey words, (great) sex, time spent together, wonderful time spent talking about everything and nothing, and of course, i get to redeem my 'voucher' for a nice dinner treat next time.

i went for my 29th week check yesterday and everything looks fine. except the fact that Little J had cushioned his face against my placenta so we cd not see if he has any obvious facial flaws. during the consultation, Dr Cheng received an urgent call from the hospital about a patient in labour. she was about 29 weeks, as advanced as i was and it appalled me that my due date was really coming quite soon. then the nurse went on to brief me about the following check-ups where i'd be due to fill in my hospital admission, take various vaginal scan and observe Little J's heartbeat for a sign of his birthday.

on monday, joa bought a few milk bottles and steriliser, and just last week, i bought some sleepers for him. grace, a close friend bought us a pair of booties (in the pic), and last night we were chatting with my cousin about the kind of crib to buy. gosh, this is all coming so fast i sometimes feel scared out of my wits.

workwise. i've started to adapt slowly to the endless travel journey to and fro work and starting to like my colleagues. although the walking upslope from the bus stop still kills me every morning and cause my varicose veins to swell and pop, still i've decide to take heart in this and press on till the end of my contract. afterall, the people are nice and the pay is decent.

joa's decided to quit his job at idp and i'm pleased becos he seems much happier these days. we're also going to trust God for a new opportunity so this friday, on his last day of work, i'm gonna gather a few close friends to 'celebrate' his (currently still non-existent) new upcoming job.

about valentine's day

2009-02-13T03:54:00.000-08:00

it's valentine's day tomorrow but i think we're staying home. i'm not saying this out of sour grapes but what exactly does valentine's day mean? it's a puzzle i've been trying to figure out ever since 14 feb started to mean something. to me, the best way to celebrate v-day is to use it as an excuse to inaugurally ask a special someone out or have a special someone ask you out.

as far as i can remember, v-day was ever only special once. it was in 1998 and a musician i had a crazy crush on had asked me to a concert. i was exhilarated beyond words. but what happened during the date was the real deal - i ended up spending it with joa. later we both realised it was each other's virgin valentine's day date. we didn't do anything special. but our soulmateship sparked from that day on. he was just a boy who seemed handsome enough and i, a cell group member who seemed nice enough.

but it was special. and after that, every other valentine's paled.

one valentine, i tried to make it special by heading out to the Gold Coast for seafood. The crayfish mornay was great but the walk on the beach sucked. the company was all wrong and i knew it there and then. and then i tried to reenact the scene from Lady and the Tramp, the scene where they had meatball linguini by the candlelight. for a while i had an idealism that spagetti was a v-day food, just like bak kwa is a chinese new year goodie.

for many years, v-day was a day i sulked all day and wished it'll just skip. then in beijing last year, we headed out on a freezing night. when we reached the restaurant, we found out we didn't really want to spend SGD160 on a meal. so we settled for jiaozi at the chinese diners next door. it cost only SGD7. there was nothing really special about the night. or the night in 1998. it was just a hell lot of walk. walk and talk. while the former in sg warmed me up with a wonderful conversation, the latter in beijing warmed me up with my hands held in his pocket through ever step. still both felt warmest in the heart. and if anything, v-day should feel like that.

so wat about this year? joa's not feeling well. we're both exhausted from our new jobs and the anticipation of the baby on the way. but i'm sure we'll find a way somehow. no surprises i think. i didn't even prepare a gift and his plans to take me to a restaurant i've always fancied has either been dashed or postponed. but i can take heart in that no matter what, i've already found my forever valentine. and i think that's the key to keeping my heart warm.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone. May this day be the sweetest for you of all!

Wakin in Concert 2009

2009-02-10T19:43:00.000-08:00

what a night. i'm sure many of you would have read about the press cover in the monday papers. i love Wakin. he's so dashing and manly. when i first saw a black and white pic of him on a cover of a HK magazine back in 1995, i remember how i saw this macho-ness in his eyes. at that moment, he was the epitome of the man i always wanted to marry. he sparked the taiwanese dream in me - even tho he isn't taiwanese (but HK), still he made me imagine all taiwanese men were like that. deep voiced, gentle giants. *swoon*

the concert was quite a sight. although this being the fourth one, was really starting to take the toll on me. not only hadn't he released any new album since the last concert in singapore back in 2006, but his evergreen songs are heard everywhere and so frequently that every different version now sounds just the same to me. still, this concert made a difference with its 'Rooftop' theme. Wakin talked casually about his childhood, his dreams dreamed on a rooftop, fatherhood, and his 22-year singing career. the accompanying music was akin to a full orchestra concert. he had his key players - the violinist, pianist, saxophonist, and the guest player - a harpist. that's the accent of his music that stands out from all others. jay chou never used anything more than a synthesiser while david tao relies on his rock band. wakin, takes the pain to invent the best quality of wholesome music. a full string band, piano, a real violin, harp, saxophone. if there was a solo harp, the piano would be its accompaniment. if he was playing his acoustic guitar, here comes the double bass. truly classic.

my cousin, jun, and i were seated on row 16. i could see she loved every min of it. and so did everyone around us. people sang along. they cheered and applaused. wakin was the star of the night and a grateful, appreciative one. i tot the $168 ticket was worth every penny. it was a beautiful concert, a wonderful night.

sick

2009-02-09T19:12:00.000-08:00

ok. day 2. i'm still gagging.

i started to feel woozy on the mrt and then felt my stomach churn through the bus ride. nus is far, far away. and it doesnt make it any easier having to walk up 200m upslope after i alight at the bus stop.

seriously, the thought did cross my mind. maybe i shd just pack up and go. but no. the money will come in useful. so i ran to the ladies, thrice, overturn myself and force shit out. i don't want to go back to doing nothing all day. it's just for two months. i'll hold out.

oh, but my head. my stomach. i need to lie down.

not too great a first day

2009-02-09T01:16:00.000-08:00

45 more minutes and already i can't quite wait to dash out of the door and make my (long) way home. this is not quite a great day. the office is now situated in an old function room that is doomed for demolitian next week, by then, we'd move to anor makeshift space up in the new building. but until then, it's drilling next door, and everywhere's just messy.

i'm too far away from home and the long mrt/bus route makes it worse. stepping out of the office, i feel like i'm back at school again. the canteen food sucks and everywhere's just students. it made me glad that i didn't study university here. it's certainly not like how it was like back at QUT.

my new colleagues are alright. almeta, my new head and karen, who sits opposite me are a cheerful and easy going - although i cdn't quite keep up with their conversation of fine dining places which are having set lunch promos at $45 per head.

i ran into a familiar face - Loo Si, an accounts executive who used to work at SGCC while i was there. she's been here for 7 months and when she walked by me with a curious expression on her face, i instantly knew who she was.

aside from all these, i got sick on the way to work. puked in the toilet, and later, one more time when i started on my first assignment. frankly, vetting fine dining menus are quite a chore. writing about circuit breakers seemed easier.

my corner is unlike what i had in beijing. no view, no nice sunshiny desk. frankly, this place feels more strange and foreign than china. i wonder how long i'm gonna get used to this. my only comfort - i'd only just have to hold this out for 2 mths and off i go.

new happenings

2009-02-03T23:13:00.000-08:00

there's been some luck with our job hunt of late. i cd have mentioned that joa got anor job offer and unlike the last, he's taken this one up. it's been three days since he's started and he obviously likes it a lot. then again, he's been receiving calls for interviews at government companies and banks and it's really giving him a headache.

a surprise came for me too. i just got a call from NUSS with an offer for a Corporate Communications position for 2 months. altho it's contract term, but at least i'll be at a job working on tasks that requires more brain activity than sticking price tags on t-shirts and removing contents from postal envelops.

meanwhile, i have yet to inform my current boss. i hate to do this to him and i can so see mel yelling at me over the phone when i ring her to tell her the good/bad news. it's not that i dun love it here. i do. and NUSS is freaking farrrr! but at least i can keep my writing portfolio going while earning 3 times what i am earning now.

so what do i do now? i don't know. i need this job and i need the cash. but i hate having to travel everyday to NUSS and being so far away from joa (he's in orchard).

alive and dead

2009-02-02T19:38:00.000-08:00

the matter of life and death has been resurfacing in my mind of late. taken on by new circumstances - the baby's movements within me: signs of a new life; and the passing on of a dear uncle: death. last night, one of my baby's violent kicks jarred me awake (one of his favourite past time now), and i started feeling how surreal just before-life and after-life feels. i wondered what was on my baby's mind now, and if he is a reincarnation of a previous person. i felt for this little one, a continuation of my life - this person who'll eventually outlive me to see a future world that i will never see after my death.

in a recent novel that i read, a young boy asked his uncle what was death like. the uncle replied asking the boy if he could remember what life was before he was born. and that was what death was. the blackout of the heart and mind. no memories, no senses, a feeling of total void.

when my uncle died, there was a morning where i'd strolled by the new condominium near my home which was still on construction. as i stood there watching the workers carry out their piling, i wondered if my uncle had always known he'd never get to see the completion of this condo. and then as i wandered through the streets of singapore, every traffic turn, street lamp, people - i saw with new eyes what he'd never see again.

as i laid in the dark last night, hearing joa snore away, i felt a jolt of anxiety grip me hard. what would happen to me when i'm dead and gone? where would all these thoughts of mine go to as i settle into dust? i wished for a real heaven or a reincarnation.

for a long time, i believed that i lived in a single dimension that existed solely. histories and the tales of the future was just something we were all made to believe in. the truth of the matter is, they didn't exist. and when i eventually pass on, i'll go back to the time of my first memory where my current family and friends surround me back in 1983 and relive this life all over again.

the thought of this was more comforting then an eventual demise into nothingness. i wondered what would the world be in 3000 AD. where would i go to? what would i have become? then again, those people who are dying around me: where were they now?

i want to protect everything i have atm. and as i turned to look at a sleeping joa and it occured to me just how wonderful everything seems at the moment. i realised we wouldn't be young and beautiful all our lives. soon, we'd be wrinkled, sick and old, and be reminising about the good ol' days of our present. we wdn't be where we are forever. more and more people will depart from us just as new ones will come along. life's uncertainty is as frightening as death itself.

forbidden luxuries

2009-02-01T01:32:00.000-08:00

being a soon-to-be mummy is not exactly without compromising with myself. there's so many lovely things i cannot buy. nice clothes that i can't fit into, fancy bags that i have to remind that i don't need, cute jewelry that i have to resist to reserve funds. and these are not all. i have to think twice - no, thrice, four times even - when contemplating to buy anything. do i need it? is there a cheaper alternative? can i buy it later when i eventually start to earn my keep again.

there are many things that i want atm. for example, i want to buy a new bag, a pair of new flats, a pair of solitaire earrings and a new watch. but i know these can wait. there are even more important things that i need to reserve my money for. for starters, a crib, milk bottles, breast pump, diaper bag, and more maternity clothes since i'm about to outgrow my current ones.

it is both useful and despairing that joa is a natural miser. he buys the cheapest he can gets - quite the opposite from me. i believe in quality and paying more for better quality is only natural to me. currently, we're debating over the kind of diaper bag to buy. i want something sophisticated and functional. he wants it functional and inexpensive. i want to buy Tommie Tippee milk bottles but he thinks the normal Pigeon ones will do. and those are just a few i can recall for now.
there's so many i have made myself miss. for starters, the Nokia E71. i came across it barely 2 months after joa and i got ourselves a W990i (one of the least expensive we found), and i was so tempted to get it before joa started sulking and reminding me that the current one we had was our 'couple phone'. so there.

and then there was the pair of glasses that i so badly wanted to get from Paris Miki. but it costs $429 (frame+lens) and joa was livid that i was even considering it. he tot it didn't look pretty on me though i'm really quite sure of the opposite. anyway. i went back to my family's optician and settled for something quite similar but not so glam at half the price. though joa still thinks that was anor example of my strange taste, but that's anor story.

therefore, with the savings, i'm about to contemplate a My Sweet Honey Swatch. ok, i'm not too sure if this is the one that i spotted and love. but i remember it has a bronzy-orange look and is part of the Irony collection. i'll check it out again tomorrow when i go shopping. but anyway, i'm not sure if i need (another) watch, and if i'd be contented to buy it for myself. of cos it'll be much more meaningful if SOMEONE got it for me :) but oh well. just something i'm considering atm.

but i know. they all say, it'll all be worth it once u look into his angelic face... the little devil.

Movie Review: The Reader

2009-01-29T01:15:00.000-08:00

both joa and i loved it. initially i'd been attracted to it because it's been a such a long time since i last saw a R21 film in the theatres (the last being Lust, Caution), and also i'd always liked how Kate Winslet exuded this sense of feminine sensuality.

the story is about a passionate affair between a boy and an older women. after a summer, she disappears and they meet again 8 years later in a courtroom - he, a law student, and she, one of the accused on trial for being part of the post WWII holocaust.

this story reminds me of First Love, its innocence, its tragedy, and how it remains unforgettable for the rest of one's life. the backdrop of Germany post WWII serves as a whole separate living dimension while the sex scenes expresses raw human emotions.

there ain't many titillating sex scenes but a story of a love affair that will interest audience. though it was a bit slow and had an eerie feel about it, still it brings the audience through a plot development with many surprises. definitely, worth a watch.

Happy Niu Year

2009-01-28T20:43:00.000-08:00

‘鱼生’i made for cny eve reunion dinner. spent 3 hours shredding and soaking the vegetables plus decorating it in style to welcome the Niu year. felt really proud of the final outcome although i wished i had the sense to cut the vegetables lengthwise instead of breathwise so the shreds could be longer. joa was utterly mad at me for being an hour's late for his family's reunion dinner. that was a damper :/

xephr, in his chinese suit and still refusing to let me (or anyone else) cuddle him. but the flashlight from the camera is always a surprise to him. little kids. had a good cny this year, if not a quiet one. there were people missing from gatherings and loved ones who were feeling poorly and disheartened. it's just like the economic crisis atm. i was just reading the papers recently and it occured to me that people who lost their jobs recently were still obliged to pay up their owing income tax despite receiving zero income.

things are starting to look up for joa. he's been offered a job as an education counsellor and tho he was apprehensive at first, he eventually accepted it (as a buffer till a better paying job comes along). but he's wrecked with guilt that he is planning to quit the minute he gets a better job. last night he went off to pray for 2 mins and when he returned, i asked him what God said and he replied saying, "God asked would i still accept this job offer knowing i'd quit in a month's time if Jesus was the employer." i told him it's his conscience acting up and he should go to sleep.

i shd have told him that if Jesus was the employer, he'd offer a fatter paycheque and better job prospects to make sure he takes the job and stay on it. silly baby :)

pre-holiday blues

2009-01-24T00:23:00.000-08:00

we're a day away from cny and my last working day of the week before i break off for 3 days to celebrate chinese new year. this year, we've got more than enough bak kwa, and mum's baked pineapple tarts, cake lapis, cashew nuts and even prepared muah chee to entertain guests.

i've gotten ready three new dresses (one i haven't worn since i bought years back), and set aside a cardigan i got free as my uniform. i'm really excited about cny. but really, i'm more so about the break. sitting in this empty shop 8 hours straight 5 days a week drives me almost crazy. i'm painfully bored. but i still thank God for air con, the internet and v nice colleagues.

anyway, i meant to post some pics of the goodies mum made. guess i'll do it next time. Happy 牛 Year!

unsatiating appetite

2009-01-22T22:59:00.000-08:00

is there anything that can stop me from eating. i get a rude shock whenever i catch a glimpse of my reflection (side profile esp!). my arms are horribly fat and i think i see a bit of a double chin when i turn sideways. now that i'm coming to an end to the second trimester (26 weeks in), i'm feeling hungry all the time. after a heavy meal, it usually doesnt take more than 2 hours before i feel my stomach rumbling again.

i was warned of putting on (way) too much weight. and i'm trying to stick to a cap of 12 kilos from my pre pregnancy. but now that i'm only about two-thirds on, i'm almost hitting 10 kilos! so i told myself to put in some effort in exercising. this morn, joa and i woke up at 7.30am and headed to the stadium. but i was so hungry in the morning, i had to sneak in two slices of cake lapis that mum baked last nite before my 8 rounds around the track. when i got back, joa toasted a hotdog and cut me a thin slice of bread. i topped it off with an apple and a small piece of bak kwa. and u'd think that was all i had for breakfast. nada! i had to buy an ice milo when i got to work - it must have been all the walking. for lunch, i had a chef salad (with honey baked ham, chicken, roast beef and a hard boiled egg and cheese(!)) plus a side plate of french fries, and now, barely shy of one hour, and i'm contemplating ordering hokkien noodles from the stall! oh man, do pregnant women eat this much?! i mean, seriously, wat's the point of all my walking if i'm going to be eating half a cow later on?

man, help me. i mean, i'm not craving for anything in particular. and i swear, i feel the hunger pangs! oh wait-wait. there's the smell of my colleague's lunch. let me go check out wat she's eating.

happy bull!

2009-01-21T22:58:00.000-08:00

i can't say how excited i am for this cny. for several years, cny held bittersweet sentiments. there were many where i looked on enviously at cousins who arrived with a partner. then there was one i where i got divorced and the next two just pretending to enjoy the festivities. the truth is, altho nothing beats collecting many ang pows, it's always more fun to have someone with you.

this year is exceptionally meaningful for me becos looking at all the cny deco, i can't help feel a tad proud that inside me is a little ox. Lil' J might miss cny this year, but come next year, we'd deck him in reds and hopefully have him hold mandarins.

joa and i have changed our notes and are ready to start distributing red packets for the very first time. i can't give much given our jobless states, but at least i'm happy to be giving a small token as a gesture of appreciation to my elders and to bring on that smile to little ones.

this year we've too much bak kwa and mum also prepared her specialties - cake lapis, pineapple tarts, muah chee and konnyaku. this year, i'll be joining my in-laws for reunion and first day and i'm really excited - altho a bit nervous (becos most of joa's relatives still dunno i'm pregnant).

anyway, happy ox year everyone. i wish you prosperity, success and happiness in everything that you do!

Back @ Xi

2009-01-16T19:24:00.000-08:00

this is me, back at my counter at Xi. but this time at tanglin shopping centre where human traffic is sparse and i have a swivel chair to sit on most of the time. sales is slow becos it's mainly jade accessories and hand-wonven handbags. but it's a nice environment and i'm accompanied with two friendly admin ladies who work at the back.

this is a really vain shot. but since i was alone, i tot i'd play with my camera for a bit. now, 24 going on 25 weeks. little J is moving a lot and yesterday, i discovered the area around my kneecap swollen with purple and green varicose veins. anyway, at thursday's checkup, dr cheng gave a good report. and i know when is the EDD. it's 28th April altho joa and i are confessing it to be 1 May for a good date. It's Labour Day. like, LABOUR DAY!!! so doc said, pray harder and donate more to church.

marriage squabbles

2009-01-10T02:40:00.001-08:00

i hate it when we argue. over the most trivial matters - where to eat, what to eat, what he said, what i said, how he behaved, how i behaved, etc, etc. the list is endless and in all sorts of variations.

i'm feeling the pressure of me not working. not so much the money bit (yet), just the fact that sitting at home without an agenda for an entire day - day after day- is stifling. singapore is a boring shit island, dun u think? there's nowhere new to visit, nothing new to try, and too hot to venture out. so i stay home and watch the tv (which is starting to really bore me) while joa scours the internet for hours on end to send out tons of job applications.

so i've decided to take up a part-time job. work starts on tues. even though it's a boring-ass job, but at least i'll earn some keep to offset cny ang pows and a replenishment of SKII facial treatment essence.

meanwhile, we're on a cold war. it's been 20 mins. i hate it.

coming back to living

2009-01-08T16:30:00.000-08:00

it's over: the funeral, the shock, the heartache. i spent the last 2 weeks just pondering over life and death and going about my usual routine to assure myself that life ahead of me is still long and i'm certainly not going to lose any more loved ones at least for a while. i wrote a long letter to my godpa and attended the last night of the wake with a red ribbon tied around my waist. at least there's some form of closure.

on monday, Little Nonya too came to an end. i love the ending. i love how she sacrificed her love and missed out on some of the pleasures in life. i applaud the writer for his wisdom in this - it's true, life is not a bed of roses. drama should be a reflection of either reality or fantasy. and in this case, he's chosen the former. it's a right balance - afterall, how many of such heroines righteous and gorgeous as Yue Niang do we meet everyday? so i think critical people who feels the writer has let them down should just stop whining and do all they can to cherish what love they have and love to death. that'll be the lesson to learn from that.

joa and i celebrated our first Couple Anniversary two nights ago. we watched Bedtime Stories and then took a walk at 12 midnight from AMK to Serangoon Gardens - a reenactment of our first V-day date in 1999. it was a cute gesture and joa was delighted when i suggested it. but i regretted it ten mins on becos my hips and my thighs were starting to ache.

i've decided to take up a part time retail job. it took me a long time to decide becos the pay is minimal and i fear it might be boring ass. but on hindsight it'll get me paid while out of the house and pay for some of our expenses.

baby update: Little J is pushing 23 weeks and i'm gaining a hearty appetite (and lots of weight). so far, i'm enjoying pregnancy minus the fact that i look horrible in mirrors. i realise it's too soon before i know it. we calculated his zodiac and horoscope and it seems he's likely gonna be a 'double bull' - born in the year of the Ox under the Taurus Star. oh god, i pray against a bullish mule.

A Tribute to my Godfather

2009-01-01T05:50:00.000-08:00

my Papa has passed away. he was my favourite uncle, my foster dad during my childhood, and my stand-in dad who was always there when my own dad could not. as a child, i knew what time i cd expect him to knock off work and return home. i'd hear his whistle, which means i'd have to open the door for him.

he was always smiling, gentle and never rose his voice. then when i was in brisbane, i got news that he'd suffered a massive stroke that left him half-paralysed and bedridden. i cd not be there but i cried in bed for a week, lamenting the ill fortunes that befell on my loved ones.

when i returned, he was no longer the active uncle i knew whom could be count on for a free car lift. then, he was totally dependant on us. and i felt it was only right, considering the million of favours he's done for us. for years, i'd sense a nag to pray for him, to lay hand on the part of his body that couldn't move anymore. but i didn't. i was too much of a coward. too afraid to be told off and even facing his rejection.

as helpless as he was, he still had on his smile and his dignity. he didn't need your company if you felt awkward around him, so i escaped all the time. but tonight, at the start of the new year, he passed on. a massive heart attack had claimed him too soon. once again, i hadn't been able to be there due to my pregnancy. again, i got away.

the last few times i saw him, i remember feeling a profound sense of sadness. i told joa, we had to pray for him together. still we didn't. i regret all those times i hadn't been there. he was always there but i wasn't. he always extended a helping hand. yet i didn't extend even a bit of God's grace. i only even had one picture of him at my wedding!

forever, i will remember the adorable way he smiled, the friendly way he chuckled, his boisterous whistling and the gentle father he'd been to me.

Papa,
thank you for being a blessing in my life.
i will remember you always and tell my children
what a helpful, generous person
you've been.

Year 2008

2008-12-31T01:59:00.000-08:00

2008 is coming to an end. and it's funny becos as i'm writing this entry, i'm listening to Little Christmas Tree. i love how christmas songs always make you feel a sense of nostalgia. as if my surroundings have turned into a scene from an old english movie - it's snowing outside but the room is warmed by a fire by the corner.

at the start of 2008, i had a strange feeling that all was about to change. it hadn't been like 2007. somehow i knew fantasies and adventures were about to unfold. and it did. joa and i got together, we travelled to beijing and met so many wonderful people, got married and are now about to have our first child. and just as the same it had been a year ago, i know 2009 holds its own mysteries too. i know that our lives can only get better.

therefore, my new year's resolution:

1. be the best writer i can be
2. be the best mother i can be
3. be the best wife i can be
4. be the best daughter i can be
5. be the best friend i can be

be of good cheer everyone! the best is yet to come!

Christmas 2008

2008-12-29T06:52:00.000-08:00

Happy Christmas. meals with close friends, gift exchange and feasts with families -- service too: our first cosy christmas together :)

updates

2008-12-15T21:08:00.000-08:00

job hunting has never felt this disheartening. my job search since coming back home has been futile. five interviews, i've been, and none, if they hadn't minded the fact that i'm pregnant, would have minded the fact that my specialisation in writing simply does not make me the all-rounded and experienced in all aspects executive that they'd like me to be.

so i'm facing rejection in my own country from my own people whom at this precarious time has chosen to lean towards multi-skills and experienced people whom can be paid less yet can manage a several portfolios all at once with little or no guidance.

i'm admiring my friends who are able to go to work everyday, dress up to the nines and have money to buy whatever they like. i'm stuck with shopping at maternity shops, trying to save whatever i can for the baby, and trying to decide what to do from now till next april.

but the days are flying by fast. already, i'm 20 weeks pregnant and due for a FA scan this friday. Dr Cheng will check all of Little J's organs and his facial features. i pray for zero defects and no cleft lip.

now tat i'm (not being arrogant here, but really) "basking in marital bliss", i cannot help but feel distant from all the love woes that my friends are going through. in most situations now, i feel more like a guru, as if a graduate from the school of courtship and romance. still i remind myself that i can still, fall into the same category of heartache and blindness.

i've always believed in love at first sight. and i'm lucky to have experienced it twice. the first was a wonderful, unforgettable experience. the second, a destruction. love can be beautiful and sweet. but it can also steal and destroy. i believe the best kind of love comes with a common understanding, with a mutual sense of humour and principles. love, when it ends, can either bring you a new confidante, or lead in an enemy for life. so love is unpredictable. and it's always good to just cruise on and see where the tide takes you.

christmas is coming. it's next week. but i'm not so excited. there's no christmas mood in the air and simply no money for presents and big feast. but i know, this is the first and last christmas that joa and i will have with each other. next year, we'll have a little elf destroying our peace and quiet.

i'm wondering what kind of a mother i'll make and what will overcome me when i first set my eyes on my little boy. will i cry or will i not like the way he looks?

the worst nightmare

2008-12-06T04:12:00.000-08:00

i mentioned in the last entry about how i was catching on the tragedy of the Singaporean victim at the Mumbai shootout. watching all the footage and reading all the news about lo's husband and family really reminded me on the pain of losing a loved one. it's almost impossible to imagine facing the loss of either/ both of my parents or joa. just thinking about it makes me feel like dying myself.

last week, W talked about how she'd attended a wake. her co-worker's dad had died of cancer and he was only 55. the touching eulogies reminded her of how much time she'd left with her own dad. hearing her recounting the experience almost made me cry. my dad is 57 this year and the mean age of men in singapore is about 65-70. so that leaves me with less than 10 more years with him. i'd always dreamt and talked about going away to taiwan again to live and work. but after that night, i made up my mind. we're staying put and i'm determined to spend as much time as i can with my parents.

also, i ought to learn to help around the house a little instead of leaving it all to my mum. my room is dust-free (even under the bed!) and so neat. why can't i just make things easier for her by just helping out in little ways like washing my own mug instead of leaving it at the table?! and why can't i just get down to downloading some nice tunes into her new shuffle for her?! it's been almost 3 weeks since she asked me to!

i'm a bad, bad daughter.

with so many unfortunate events going around, it dawned on me how birthday parties, weddings, and get-togethers are such wonderful occasions. i used to hate going to such events where you just had to posed 'happy', but really, they're so much a better cause for cheer than having someone sick or dying. i remember how happy every guests (well, most) were at the wedding. their smiles, their congratulations. i think what really made it so unforgettable was seeing how everyone was in such high spirits, and nevermind that some were obviously drunk.

yeah, i realised how happy we all shd be when invited to a party. esp now that christmas is just around the corner, go gather some cousins, families and close friends and have a merry time! speaking of which, we girls are rounding up a christmas buffet dinner at parkroyal on beach road on the 20th. everyone has to bring a date and it'll be a great evening just chatting over free flow food and a chocolate fountain! can't wait!

what do i do when i have nothing to do?

2008-12-04T23:01:00.000-08:00

job hunting has never felt this dismaying. first of all, i'm not exactly enthusiastic about going back to work in hectic singapore and two, i'm often feel too sick to send resumes. it's true. the latter is not an excuse. every mid-day noon, i'll be struck with a terribly throbbing heading that feels like a little man pounding a hammer at the back of my brain. it's so bad, i have to lie on my back and sleep for two hours!

but staying at home is plain boring. and frankly, i can't wait to get back to working again.

i'm absolutely crazy over the new 9pm serial, Little Nonya. Jeannette Aw, with her doe-eyes looks a beautiful picture and having her talk or play mute is equally irritating. Joa mimics her sign languages all the time attempting that innocent victimised expression which is quite hilarious. but anyway, i'm hot on the heels with the show, even though reviews say it's a real lousy and unrealistic story plot - like how did yueniang get from singapore to malacca during the war-torn era all by her 8-yr-old self is still a mystery to the both of us.

i'm well into my 18th week - or is it the 19th week - as you would notice, i've lost count. last two weeks, i bought several dresses, 2 maxis, 1 black lil' dress, 1 blue spag dress and a black m'phosis short thing. mum thinks they are all way too small for pregnancy but i think they'll do fine at least for the coming one, two months. i'm unable to fit into my usual clothes, not even my shorts.

i was going to talk about the recent terrorism attack in india (an attempt to sound so on the know about current affairs). anyway, will do next time. i dunno why i ranted on and on and boring you with silly things, but yes, i'm frustrated that i. haven't. got. A. JOBB!!!

ok. there, there.

my favourite one ;)

2008-11-26T01:51:00.000-08:00

updates

2008-11-20T18:58:00.000-08:00

jas commented that S diary is boring in comparison with the old wordpress one. i can't agree more. it's strange how when life is going slightly better for one that you'd just run out of inspiration to write. like there's no heartache, no lonely nights pining for anyone, and also the fact that i'm back in sg and everything around me worth writing about (food reviews, shopping, movies, books, etc) has been written about by my compatriots that i just cannot find a niche anymore. so yes, so there.

just some updates: we're officially married for 12 days and we still talk about how it's so bizzarre that we are actually arre married. and to one another! i wonder if all other newly married couples feel the same? strange, weird, surreal, constantly-have-to-remind-oneself of reality. we're still trying to accomodate both our lifestyles and habits into my room that's good for one. the wardrobe is too small and there's only one desk so either one of us have to sit on the bed to use the laptop at any time. also trying to integrate into each others' families, which has been quite smooth. it's just that joa has to be a bit more candid around my family who are as usual, too welcoming that they make him feel bad.

he said this morning that we need to make this marriage a bit more 'normal' before we can feel like we are married. when i asked him to explain, he said we both need jobs and we need our own place. although i can't agree more, but i love living under the same roof as my parents. i love sitting around and gossiping with my bro and mum and talking about car prices with dad. most of all, i love having joa at the family mealtimes and see him trying to make conversations. it's when i feel most blessed, and at the peak of my happiness. to me, those moments make it more than enough.

on hindsight, joa and i have taken things a bit too quickly. but i realised that's how things in my life go usually. sometimes it's just that i'm the impulsive sort, but most of the times, circumstances just lead things towards that way. i still think about china a lot - the good the bad, the ugly the beautiful. how i can't wait to go back and have xiabu xiabu with mandy again and how i must go back to drag my ex-landlady to prison for cheating us of our deposit.

Little J is 16 weeks old and at yesterday's measurement, was 11.2cm while in a curled up and odd position. dr cheng got a bit frustrated becos baby was lying bottom up and he could not measure him properly. joa shrieked when he saw some startling movements on the screen and there was that moment there. but otherwise, dr cheng said both our intuition that Little J was gonna be a gal is wrong. i actually felt she was he but i didnt want to seem like i'd favour a boy more becos frankly, i dun quite mind.

joa was really happy at the news and so's everyone even though mum was preferring a gal becos my cousins who lives just down the road has four boys and everyone was hoping i'd have a gal for novelty's sake. now that we're expecting a fifth boy, everyone's picturing a monkey house.

i miss beijing. i miss my walk to work in the mornings and my evening walks home. i love how there's always something to look forward to. something new to do, to see, and to explore. even tho i sometimes hated being there, but there's still a kind of charm to it. i wish i cd be there in winter again. i think it was even different for joa and i there.

wedding day video

2008-11-12T19:36:00.000-08:00

Joachim & Sylvia SDE from Sean Seah on Vimeo

our wedding

2008-11-11T18:09:00.000-08:00

okay, i haven't got any pics yet. but soon, it'll come. everyone's been asking me how's married life. frankly, joa and i woke up the next morning feeling the same as ever. the day was like a good dream dreamed. it was exhausting, lots of rushing, and walking gingerly to avoid tripping over. my feet hurt, and i was over-conscious of my heavy make up and backward hairdo.

but overall, it was a wonderful day. everyone seemed to have enjoyed it, although we did notice a few troubled faces. but we wished we cd have sat around to entertain more. the ballroom was awfully crowded, excuse us. becos his dad had so many friends to invite! but it had been a nice cosy atmosphere and i liked it that it was so personal, at least we tried to make it be - hand-drawn portraits, dedications, and entertain wherever possible.

thanks to all who made it so lovely for us. it's an unforgettable experience. my family and my close chums, u all made it such a beautiful day :)

now that the gown fitting days are over, i'm happy to go back to being pregnant and not having to suck in my tummy. little J is about 15 weeks old and i must say it's a wonderful experience being pregnant.

we received some vouchers in an angpow and joa said i cd buy maternity clothes with it. omg, i can't imagine myself getting bigger. but it's a wonderful feeling feeling for my expanding belly in the middle of the nights and in the morning when i wake up.

joa's really envious and wish he knew wat it all felt like. it's an incredible experience, i tell ya! *winks*

hen's night

2008-11-03T18:05:00.001-08:00

nothing naughty, just close chums over nice food and waffles. it was a quiet night though. didn't get much gossip going - since everyone we gossipped about were present!- and no sex talk since W wasn't too comfortable. we shopped for lingerie and i got two blue panties for the day :)

anyway, back to the previous post. joa and resolved it eventually. he gave me a dressing down for my overreaction. so we made up.

wedding is going on as planned on sunday. still need to confirm the itinerary, and the story montage. i have a zit on the right of my chin and i realised to my horror last night that my tummy is starting to show.

btw, little J is some 7 cm in length and now has a spine and a nose bridge. amazing! i can't wait till sunday gets over with so i can just relax and not worry about having to fit into the gowns.

second thoughts

2008-11-02T08:34:00.000-08:00

this is my 3rd draft. i'm disappointed beyond words.

jitters or is it just me.

2008-10-26T07:33:00.000-07:00

is it the jitters that's setting in now or is it just my paranoia. i seem to feel nothing is quite unusual about the impending wedding. i'm sure i haven't found the perfect gowns, selected the right colours for my sisters, and made the right choice for the bedsheets. i somehow feel every decision was made in a mad rush. i wasn't given enough time to ponder, to research, and to deliberate.

of cos i'm thankful for the wondrous people who've been putting in the hours to help while i struggle with all these uncertainties. but my body's in the worst shape. my tummy is starting to bulge, my face is breaking out. i can't exercise, i can't eat less, and i can't stop putting on weight.

i dun think i will be the perfect bride i've always dreamt of being. everyone else has the prettiest face, the shapiest body and the best gowns. but not me. suddenly i feel terrified. i'm scared to face the day, the guests, and even receiving the well wishes feels ill-deserved.

first counselling session

2008-10-24T09:11:00.001-07:00

joa and i went for our first counselling session with Jon, the counsellor who saw me through insanity. i think it was a really fruitful time.

we had arrived some ten minutes early so we decided to take the time and list down the challenges that we face in our rs. him, fear of not being able to be a good husband/ dad; me, unwilling to let go of the past and insecurities of the future.

jon was a star and he guided us through understanding each other's behaviour, reaction and finally the various ways to resolve the challenges. the most important of all, jon made us realise that this wedding, although abrupt as it is, has indeed been part of the plan in our relationship. he also helped me to see why joa has chosen me as his life partner and helped joa understand why i sometimes question his love.

as we headed home, we both felt refreshed to embark on this new journey together. marriage is not just positive emotions and hectic wedding preparations. i think after today, i feel more assured that this is the path that i won't regret.

joa was saying he has a feeling our baby is a girl. i'm starting to think so too although i'm really not sure since the odds are the same.

yesterday we were at the bridal shop when the lady remarked aloud that my stomach had since grew "so big, so fast". god, i was dead embarrassed. so i said it might be all the milo and good food i've been feasting on. it's strange how i'm looking forward to the baby rather than the wedding. and i have to constantly remind myself to eat the less fattening food and move about more so i offset the pounds somehow.

i'm a bride-to-be that doesn't have to go on a strict diet and exercise to lose weight. i wonder if it's a pity or a bad thing. but it's official - i'm 12+ weeks pregnant and my tummy is starting to show (as per everyone's remark). oh god, not good for a wedding dress. i'd be 15 weeks by then!

me the painter

2008-10-22T01:21:00.000-07:00

in face of tensions at home, i decided to stay the night at joa's home. it was just as well too since he'd needed help to paint our new room. together, we selected a light misty pink to coat over the existing slate blue. all in all, we put on about 2 coats, some parts requiring thicker application.

joa was completely exhausted since all i cd do was up to the highest i cd reach (he didnt allow me to stand on any chair). but after two hours, i felt a sharp pain in the back of my hips and actually lost my balance while squatting and fell on my bum. since then, it's been quite painful and have gotten worse now. i can't bend over, squat or sit for v long becos then it'll hurt so bad i can't straighten my legs.

our scanteak bed is arriving tmr and so is the Jewel Box mum bought me - actually, a dressing table with little drawers and compartments and has doors to close up like a jewel box. it's really pretty and i can't wait to put up all my make-up and accessories.

wedding haven't done list:

1. couple video

2. updated itinerary

3. church registration

4. dinner seating arrangement

5. love songs to play during dinner

6. tea ceremony car allocation

7. groom's gift

8. room and house decoration

9. march-in fanfare x2

10. buy new bedsheets & bolster

i'm sure there's so much more. i just can't think of what.

when family knows you least

2008-10-20T07:48:00.000-07:00

i had planned for a quiet cosy night in. my bro was coming home late from school and i had looked forward to just having a casual chat with him as he and mum tuck into their late dinner. alas, everything went awry. unkind words, heavy sentiments of misunderstandings and a flurry of emotions were exchanged over the dinner table.

after storming back to my room and giving the door a big loud slam, tears of fury stung my eyes and spilled over. at this point, i am overwhelmed with anger, immense disappointment, and great indignation. i realised my family perhaps understands me the least. the people whom i hold most dear, my mum and brother, clearly do not appreciate the person that i am, and have demonstrated their total ignorance about who i really am, my values, my principles, my integrity and all the lessons that my past has taught me.

often, my mum and brother use my past to dig into my person. they continue to mock at me, thinking it's some great joke of the century. of course i know my mum love me. but i'm starting to realise my brother's intentions are not just fun-loving.

this is terribly disappointing. during a period which i'd thought they had been the most encouraging; during which i kept telling people how great a confidante my brother was and how comforting my mum has been, and then i realise that i was wrong - that really, they thought i'd brought it on to myself and as a result had been a great burden to them.

my bro, who always almost seem like an honourable decent chap is really a liar, a conniver and an insensitive cold-hearted creature like the ernie toy in his room. he doesnt care about us as kinship, doesnt think to give, and doesn't display form of compassion for my ageing parents. i'm starting to suspect he's disassociated himself emotionally from us and only holds the least respect for our parents simply becos they brought him up.

i'm starting to lose trust in him, lose faith for him. i think i've confided in the wrong person all these years. he doesn't care. and it's time i realised.

i'm hurt. i miss the distance i had from them while i was away. but the child in me ties me to our roots. i want to ring joa up and tell him all about it. but i tink i shd cool down first. i need to pour it out, retreat into myself and calm myself down to carry on with my ongoing duties.

suddenly i wish i cd just pull out of the wedding. i dun think i want to live with them knowing that they see me as this useless fool of the family. i'd rather not marry, return to beijing and live without them. maybe this will help them appreciate me more.

xephr

2008-10-12T07:04:00.000-07:00

Xephr, 16 months old. too cute.

home yummy home!

2008-10-10T05:45:00.000-07:00

we're back. and for the past week we've been doing nothing but making preparations for the wedding. i'm so thankful for supportive parents, excited friends and cousins who have offered to help and all the wonderful people who have been sending us well wishes thru the web.

the flight back was smooth and relaxing. SIA is really the best way to fly. courteous hostesses, satisfactory food (altho they forgot the ice cream dessert), great movie entertainment and a total new makeover! wonderful!

joa and i have been having a great time eating and enjoying the local fare. but i did realise the sausage mcmuffin in singapore ain't as delicious as the ones in beijing. it's somewat sweeter. but otherwise, everything else has been wonderful. chicken rice, nasi lemak, kway chap ... all at my reach!

i'm putting on weight. which is bad. and the symptoms are getting more frequent. i am exhausted half the time and now joa has to do more of my chores for me. but he's been very sweet and attentive. i feel like a lucky girl. it's been a long long time since i last felt this way.

@Sanlitun Apple Store

2008-09-30T08:15:00.000-07:00

final night in beijing.

last day @ HighTeam

2008-09-26T22:28:00.000-07:00

this is going to be the last time i'm posting an entry from my office on the 21st floor. i can still remember my first day being greeted by the magnificent view from the window where i sit. the past 6 months have been wonderful albeit short. passing grins from colleagues and hostility from some oddballs.

i've grown accustomed to the loud chattering going on in heavy-accented mandarin that i cannot understand 50% of the time, the gossips with the gals, and the privilege of coming in late and knocking off early everyday.

joa and i have an almost perfect life here in china and we'd certainly continue had we more options. we leave on wednesday. in a way, i'm glad i'm heading home and bringing all that i have built here in china. i miss singapore food, the clean air, and the largely non-smoking areas. i miss my friends and little nephews and can't wait to head back and give them all a big tight hug.

after this, i will start to pack up. already, someone's eyeing on my desk space.

Pop! Goes the question

2008-09-26T05:04:00.000-07:00

a huge bouquet of flowers had arrived for me at about 5pm. it was accompanied with a postcard which joa had written a lovely message. in it, he said if i was willing to "have him", then would i go to my office lobby so he could ask me "the most important question".

i went down but i cdn't find him. so i went up again and just as i'd reached my desk, he'd rang me and said i'd just walked by him. he was at the door. we went to a secluded stairway where he got down on one knee and nervously posed the question.

he said the five roses in the bouquet represented 'No regrets'. my engagement ring was a gold ribbon lined with small diamonds. *smiles*

final week in beijing

2008-09-25T02:19:00.000-07:00

it's hard to believe that my whole beijing escapade is coming to an end. sure, this isn't the most glamorous city to be. but at the end of it, i feel it like a second home.

the beginning of it hadn't been easy. there had been wild times and terribly exhausting times. i met some of the most incredible people and gained the most incredible insights to a culture that's so close to my roots yet so distant from my heart.

there are things i loathe about it here. lots of it. the bad service, the lousy food, and the fact that you smell cigarette smoke everywhere you go. but at the end of it, there's so much to see, learn, and assimilate out here. i love the vastness of china, the endless tales of its history, the kindred spirits of the people, and the whole new me that it's brought out.

i feel like a renewed person. i have a newfound self, a newfound love, a newfound career, and a newfound life. perhaps it's really time to return to singapore. i'm starting to miss family and familiar food sorely. this time when i return, i hope to be a better person. to be inculcated with the values and wisdom that this culture has instilled me with.

china is a wonderful country. it's beautiful and the people are amazing. only being an in-between chinese would make you realise this. thomas always lament about how the chinese never want to take pictures with him. instead, they'd rush for the typically blond-haired white man. thing is, mandy also told me that it's the same kind of excitement people would have taking pics with the ape in the zoo.

i'm sometimes bewildered when foreigners tell me how friendly the locals are. the truth is, chinese are extremely nationalistic and rascist in the way that they always only watch out for their own. and i tink that's commendable. if only singaporeans would think this way too instead of esteeming eurasians and overseas chinese who talk with a western accent. now if you ask me, that's despicably hypocritical.

lavender!

2008-09-21T22:24:00.000-07:00

we walked by some lavenders when we walked between two subway stations. autumn has arrived in beijing and the cool wind and sun rays feels soft and soothing. we spent the weekend mostly browsing through rings at departmental stores and am now happy and proud to annouce that yes, we've found The One and The Pair. of cos it all didnt come without some arguing in front of pushy sales gals who were overly generous with their flatterings.

i'd always dreamt of a heart-shaped solitaire for an engagement ring and a pair of blue as sea sapphires set on platinum for wedding bands. but joa felt solitaires were boring and sapphire rings look too tacky. so in the end, we settled on a matt rose gold diamond band with chinese inspired design for our bands and he seletected an engagement ring that was a little more creative.

work this week will be monotonous as i embark on my final week. joa and i are really excited to head back. and we've even started to plan a simple wedding affair for 9 Nov, sun. it's my parents' wedding anniversary and it's always been a wish to be married on that day. so when i realised it falls on a sunday, i immediately claimed it. most of the nice hotels are fully booked so we're left with little choices. but mum and dad are really wonderful to help out with the inspections and bookings.

we're likely to do away with the holy matrimony and tea ceremony and just hold the ROM before the dinner/ lunch which mum prefers it to be a "family affair" that's cosy and meaningful. there's so many things to prepare and we're so pressed for time. atm, we've shortlisted Goodwood Park and Raffles Hotel. my parents are not keen on sentosa even tho both of us are. and they hope we'll have a traditional chinese fare. joa and i were talking about giving it a theme - like oriental-inspired theme. so everyone has to be dressed 'mandarin'. he even quipped about calling it 'My best friend's wedding' since we're kind-of marrying our best pal. cute.

anyway, anyone has any suggestions? i wish i cd invite a 3-man band for entertainment. but that'll be extra costs and i'm not sure. oh, and i was also tinking of my fantasty of having free-flow bubble tea. but that's just out-of-the-world funny and unglam. haha. any ideas?

10 weeks

2008-09-20T19:23:00.000-07:00

i feel so bloated. and i know it's not 'it' and is all the junk that i've been stuffing my face with. nauseaness reassures me that everything is ok. meanwhile. i'm often tired, and have to take an afternoon nap.

also, i'm starting to miss singaporean food. wooh... and all the bubble tea i want. joa and i went shopping for an engagement ring yesterday. it's quite cheap in china. he's thinking of buying me this ring shaped in a ribbon bow. it's cute but i'm unsure if i want to deviate from the classic solitaire which in his words is "so common".

teddy bear of a boss

2008-09-19T02:48:00.000-07:00

today is my team leader, brian's last day at HT. i tink i'm really fortunate to have met such a wonderful person. it's all thanks to him that i got this job in beijing. in fact i'll never forget that thursday afternoon when i received a call from him inviting me to the interview. i felt a sense of familiarity and comfort. at first i'd thought it was because he was malaysian but it turned out he's one of the best boss i've ever had.

in 2 weeks' time, it'll be our turn to leave beijing. joa is obviously v excited while i'm dreading the transition and the 'music' i have to face once i land in changi airport. but i'm anxiously waiting to return as i worry about the baby's condition. it seems i've facing a risk of 65%. i dun even know if flying is even safe. i feel like a worrywart already. i've to make joa avoid certain 'positions', and i'm suspending my jogging routine. i've not had much morning sickness since last week and that scares me.

overall, i'm eating too much and gaining the pounds. not good if you ask me. too early to be gaining that much. joa tries to stop me but give up when i swear i've no cravings but it's just that i'm really having the hunger pangs. i feel tired all the time. and i've sworn off chinese food. the spicy fumes sickens me and it just occured me i haven't had rice in almost 3 days.

i'm going to miss everything and everyone at HT. u know u get that feeling that everything around u appears foreign once u made ur mind to dislodge? i'm getting that strange, alien feeling now. like i'm misplaced or something. i dun want to pack. i'm too tired to pack. hopefully joa's enthusiasm will help cover my share.

goodbye brian, and good luck!

macdonald refused to give me sugar in my tea!

2008-09-16T19:22:00.001-07:00

china has the worst macdonald services in the world! this morning, i ordered the discount set of a sausage mcmuffin and a coffee - only that i had coffee changed to tea and had to pay an addition 50mao for it, but nvm. and then, they had the nerve to refuse to give me sugar! and that was from the manager. so i asked to see her superior who was this fatty man who told me that sugar only comes with milk tea which is an additional 2kuai and i will get cream and 2 satchets of sugar. this doesnt make sense! but then again, i've been refused no more than 2 satchets of ketchups several times so i've given up on trying to make any sense to them. obviously, they didnt go to macdonald's university for training!

had to remove the last entry becos joa freaked out when he saw it. he has the impression that the whole world reads my blog and our unplanned pregnancy was nothing to be proud of. now that the idea is settling in, our parents have been informed and we've mapped out a plan, we're feeling a lot more optimistic.

i informed my HR yesterday and she said my coming to beijing had been a good thing afterall. that i'm not as sure yet. i mean, i'm still jittery about everything that's to come. i rang up my gynae in singapore to ask him if i shd continue my medication for pcos and he said i shd try to make a trip back to sg asap seeing it is a crucial trimester, esp for patients with pcos.

that afternoon, joa and i went to the hospital to get a first ultrasound scan to make sure 'it' was in the right place. while i was waiting in the room, the lady before me was having her scan so i looked into the monitor and heard the radiologist say she cd not find the heart. i got really nervous but was relieved when she said she located a heartbeat on mine. when i told joa this, he almost cried. he's an emotional wreck now. but he's been really, really sweet to me. making my side of the bed for me in the mornings, being really gentle and considerate and even braved a thunderstorm last nite to fetch me from work becos he wasn't sure if i had a brolly.

we're looking to make our return in early october altho dad is still not talking to me. i'm opting to wait it out here so our families can come to terms with it without having my belly to remind them. but joa is adament that going back is the best thing to do. he even came up with an excel sheet to weigh the pros and cons of us staying on for a year longer which resulted in a breakeven really. but anyway, i'm won over by the thought of better medical care and familiar food.

so i have to relook for a job, and face the music when i get back. but i'm really looking forward to kway chap, hor fun and all the bubble tea that i want. omg, and really, really good service!

mid-autumn weekend

2008-09-10T18:59:00.000-07:00

after weeks of isolated weekends at home, i'm really looking forward to heading out this weekend and running wild. joa's ankle is lots better altho he still has to avoid sports of all sorts. work has eased off a little and i feel i really deserve the break this time. it's a long weekend this coming becos of mid-autumn festival. everyone in the company received a mini food hamper with imported goodies: a box of cereal, shandy, sparkling juice and a tin of butter cookies. joa will be delighted when i take it home tonight.

i haven't been feeling tip-top of late. my menses is late (again!), i feel bloated like a cow, and i'm terrified of chinese food. as i'm writing this, i'm feeling really nauseous. i'm not looking forward to lunch, can't think of what to eat, and feel sick in my stomach. i think i need to see a doctor again. but medical in C is really, really lousy. they charge sky high for medicine and the doctors can speak any eng and are not capable of answering my questions.

love chips, love you!

2008-08-27T23:28:00.001-07:00

our new blog: Love chips, love you

all about chips and all about us!

in shenzhen

2008-08-27T20:29:00.000-07:00

my client invited us to shenzhen to attend a conference on monday. they put us up at a luxury hotel where the conference was being held. it was pure bliss. i rang joa, who was nursing a sprained ankle at home, and told him that i'd finally found where i belong. he snapped back and said i shd stay on and never return.

i didnt get to see much of shenzhen. all i know is that the roads are clean and there's lush tropical greenery everywhere just like singapore. in fact, it was the first time i saw palm trees in china! the conference was plain boring so i snuck back to the hotel room after the first hour to nap.

we ate lots of cantonese food. and it was a good respite from the northern oily and salty palate that i'm still not used to. '粤菜' they call it, taste close to home. lots of ginger and garlic flavour, shrimp sauce, salty fish ... e-fu noodle, char siew pau ... all my favourite things!

breakfast was a spread. pancake, crepes, waffles, french toast, sausages, hashbrown, porridge, cereal, fruits, muffins, and so much more. i had a soak in the jacuzzi spa in my hotel room with the TV in the toilet on. i rang up the concierge and made silly requests just to have the chamber ladies run up to my room to deliver more shampoo, fruits and water.

saw the picture above? that's not a beach. that's the swimming pool in the hotel that is actually a mini man-made beach with a life-size ship squirting water in the day and is a pub/bar at night.

me in the tub!

i'm not cheering on.

2008-08-19T18:33:00.000-07:00

this was scribbled on a dust-smeared rear window of a van.

cousins and friends have told me that they were trying to look out for me on tv every time they catch a broadcast of an Olympic event. it was sweet of them to be reminded of me as they watch live happenings of what's really going on around me. the thing is, no i wasn't at the opening ceremony, and neither was i at the table-tennis finals when singapore won the silver medal, and no, i haven't attended a single sport event and doubt i will at all.

the truth is, it's very regrettable. and even though joa's absolutely keen to watch a basketball game with the US team playing, and i did get a free ticket to the hockey semi (AU vs UK) yesterday which i didn't go, but that was the closest we got.

we did contemplate buying tix of the black market, but these tix would cost at least S$120. the cheaper ones would be events that we're totally not interested in: sports like boxing. so we just made do watching them off the tv. but then it occured to me last night after joa had mentioned that cctv channels only broadcasted events when there was a china team playing.

so yes, other than seeing the streets unusually litter-free, being given a free china flag at the grocery shops, and people on the streets chanting "中国加油", nothing's quite different. it's hard. i mean, since forever, singapore has never made it anywhere in the Olympics. so this is the first, and before this, Olympics have always been something that was far-fetched, impossible and nothing to do with our puny island.

today's wednesday. after work, there's no gym, no badminton, and no kookas, so joa and i decided to hit town in the evening, have a nice dinner and shop among the glitz of the city. plus i want to check out the Olympic souvenir shop and boots for winter.

random complains

2008-08-13T22:05:00.000-07:00

work is boring ass these days. i seem to have lost the enthusiasm to write anymore proposals. all i want to do at work is to reply emails, chat with friends and watch a video. i get frustrated when i'm called to meetings that waste too much time and people who hold their nationalism even in copy slogans. hate cliches like 'a win-win future', 'a boundary-less world for a boundary-less future'.

that's my desk. and nathan, my american colleague and mentor who sits opposite.

tuesdays badminton

2008-08-12T01:47:00.001-07:00

joa loves to play badminton on tuesdays with some of our friends. but it's far and it's a weekday. plus i dun really get to play becos i'm bad at ball games so i'm not keen.

we got into a fight about it last week. and i'm tired of arguing about it week after week. so we came to an agreement that he'd go every 2nd week.

today happens to be the week he wouldn't play but a friend asked so he was contemplating. he asked and i reminded him of the agreement. it wasn't so much about whether i'd have to spend a lonely time at the gym. it was just about him honouring our agreement. it took me 2 email replies to assure him that i wasn't upset and he cd go if he wanted. eventually, he decided that he'd prefer to honour our agreement. and reading his email, i felt almost too proud.

so it got me thinking that maybe i shd take badminton more seriously so i can play with him every week. but what's more impt here is us learning to give and take.

gym tonight. *smiles*

hotpot

2008-08-10T19:37:00.000-07:00

i'm starting to enjoy beijing hotpot. disliked it the first 4 times i had it. beijing hotpot is boiling lamb, veg, potato, vermicelli in tasteless herbal broth and dipping it in sesame sauce. now that i'm taking to sesame sauce, i'm starting to enjoy the local hotpot now. still, nothing beats my mum's steamboat.

btw, this is mika, my housemate from poland. finally, i have a pic with her.

2008 olympic games opening day

2008-08-07T23:29:00.000-07:00

it was only on my way out to work that i realised i'd forgotten to take my camera along with me so i can take pictures of the day of the "once-in-a-lifetime festival" in China.

i'd been meaning to take pictures of the decoration landscape plants, the city voluteers, and the unusually clean and empty streets. today, the streets i tread on everyday were at their tip-top condition. there were few cars and few people. the traffic even stopped to let pedestrian cross during the green man light. strange.

i came to work as usual. even though today is a stipulated public holiday. my HR announced that today would be considered an annual leave day since the rule didnt apply to private enterprises. i didn't think it was fair, and so i 'applied' to resume work. so here i am, alone in the office. trying to decide what to do for the opening tonight.

it's going to be a crazy nite. sitting in the empty office i already feel the anticipation of tonight's opening ceremony. everyone's asking around where's everyone heading to. a bunch of friends are going to the park to watch. and joa's keen to go becos there doesnt seem to be any where else. but i'm hesitant at the thought of the crowd, the heat, 3-hours out sitting on the grass, and the trouble we'd be going thru getting in and out of the park.

heading home for a quiet night in front of the tv seems to entice me. but of cos i dun want to miss out on the party fun. so yes, i tink we're prolly gonna head out. and maybe i will take my camera with me.

suddenly i feel happy to be in beijing. yesterday joa said the day has finally come. the day we've been anticipating, to be part of the olympics is finally here. we're right here, in the midst of all the action. quite exciting really. and i didn't think i'd ever feel this way but i do, right now.

beijing welcomes you. and for once, i tink the country has really put up its best form to welcome the visitors. this is indeed the best time to be in beijing. although i dread all the security checks at the subway. but i like it that at least the city is almost clean, has less crowd and is at least quite a pretty sight to see.

just received a call from my colleague. it seems i can head home for the day. woohoo!

bizzare news

2008-08-07T00:29:00.000-07:00

my favourite part in the english paper is CHINASCENE. it reports snippets of interesting news published by small-town publications in the country. often the stories of the countryfolks are so bizzare that i'm amused to a point i laugh it like a joke. but they're true stories.

i selected a few of my favourite ones in yesterday's papers:

Husband robs wife to repay gambling debts
Li Yinqu, 32, was taken to court on Wednesday in Huixiang county, Henan province for a public hearing of the charge of robbing his wife Lu Li to repay his gambling debts.
Li owed his fellow villager Wang Lei 900 yuan (S$180). When Li's wife Lu refused to help him repay the amount, Li decided to disguise himself as a mugger and rob her.
Li, wearing a mask, attached his wife with a baton on the evening of May 19 as she rode home on her motorcycle. He was detained after Lu reported the incident to police the next day.
Li made a full confession in court, and awaits its ruling.

Reconciliation plea makes splash in local paper
A young man's half page advertisement on the front page of a local newspaper last Wednesday pleading wiht his former girlfriend for a reconciliation has stirred a controversy among locals in Changsha, Hunan province.
Certain readers applaud this romantic gesture; others deplore it as extravagant.
The newspaper does not reveal the advertiser's identity, mentioning only that he is in his 20s and the son of a local businessman. This romantic gesture cost around 100,000 yuan (S$20,000).

Paranoid younger brother goes on a stabbing spree
A young man surnamed Ding was arrested on Monday for inflicting serious injuries on three members of his elder brother's family.
Ding's brother invited him for dinner on June 21 at his courtyard home intheir village nearby Lishu, a county in Jilin province. When, after returning home, Ding began to feel ill, he thought that his brother and his family had poisoned him.
Acting upon his suspicion, Ding took a knife and returned to the courtyard, where he viciously stabbed his brother's family members before fleeing the scene of the crime.

Police drawn into marriage fee dispute
Police officers at Chengnan police sub-staion in Wenchang, Hainan province, have recently become involved in a dispute over the payment aspect of a marriage contract.
A 70-year-old man surnamed Liang claims to have been duped by a woman surnamed Wu, 21, whom he met last year through a matchmaker. Liang promised to pay Wu 80,000 yuan (S$16,000) upon her agreement to marry him, and both parties signed a contract to his effect.
Liang says Wu disappeared after he had paid her the agreed amount.
Wu, meanwhile, argues that Liang is the guilty party because he paid her only 42,000 yuan, almost half of the amount ageed.
Wu explained her side of the story to police, who were willing to mediate between the two parties. Liang, however, refused to argue the matter out with her at the police station.
Police at Chengnan sub-station have consequently been unable to start a file on the case.

Official dissuades couple from suicidal jump
Huang Dagong, deputor director of a public security bureau in Lanzou, capital of Gansu province, spent one hour dissuading a man and woman from their intent to commit suicide on Monday morning.
Local police arrived on the scene after receiving a report about a middle-aged couple threatening to jump off a bridge over the Yellow River. Huang came within speaking distance of the pair and reasoned with them for more than one hour until the couple agreed not to jump and, with the help of firefighters, got down from the 10-m high pier.

bad mood

2008-08-04T22:55:00.000-07:00

i think that fellow colleague saw that i wasn't paying attention and deprived me of my mystery gift. so now everyone else has either an hermes handphone strap, a coach keyring and i have nil. i tried to sound her out about it but she brushed me off in a most hostile way. wat a bitch.

took up my entire lunch hour and the least she cd do was to give me the gift i deserve. i shdn't be this petty and normally i wdn't. just tat i'm in a real lousy mood today and i want everything that was initially promised! F***!

stupid, stupid.

2008-08-04T21:44:00.000-07:00

i'm once again at a point where i find myself unmotivated to work. it's not so much of feeling disappointed towards a superior who spoke too quickly of a career progression, rather i feel out of place and disoriented with my portfolio.

i'm writing this at a meeting. a fellow worker has taken up our lunch hour to present a workshop on retail luxury brands. the problem with being singaporean is that i'm so used to a structure that explains why i have to do things and the problem with being chinese is that they are used to not explaining why they make you do things. so i'm sitting here, with a piece of pizza, some cheese sticks and a coke that they'd supplied for lunch, totally clueless what is going on and enduring the mundane video clips while wishing i'm somewhere else. so i secretly blog.

but of course, it isn't as bad i ramble. we will all receive a mystery gift.

we won't be moving to shanghai afterall. the big boss is optimistic about PR business in beijing and the VP has assured me that there will be opportunties here too. it's a letdown. but i know i will get over it. i just need to mull over it, sulk about it, and eventually see the good in it. so ignore me while i pout, whinge and go all moody.

the weather sucks. i hope it rains all through the olympics. i want to storm out of the meeting room now, head to macdonald's and eat a lot of fries.

i'll be fine. i just need time.

happy 27th birthday

2008-08-02T20:36:00.000-07:00

i had my wish this year: a big chocolate cake (albeit it was really blackforest). but it was a cosy dinner with friends even though the central air-conditioning in the restaurant was too warm. i finally had pancakes. stack of 3 with a sausage patty and two sunny-side ups.

just before bed time, joa casually mentioned that he had a little surprise planned. he was grinning all the time so i decided not to probe and let him work it out at his plan.

at 12.04am. joa nudged me firmly. i was already fast asleep and tried to brush him off but then he held up a little chocolate pudding cake from beard papa - i could see he had microwaved it so the pudding had spilled over the top and had stuck a candle. he started singing 'Happy Birthday', kissed me all over my face, pushed the plate of cake into my hands and said he was going to get the camera. all the time i was still in my lying down position, perched on one elbow and trying hard not to drift back to sleep. so i rejected to take the picture and tried to go back to sleep but then he put a little brown paper bag in my hand and said it was his gift and he wasn't sure if i'd like it but he thought i did when i first saw it. it was a pair of earrings and i had a hard time trying to make out its shape becos my eyes were blurry. thinking that i didnt like his surprise, he got quite disappointed. i assured him that i was just really tired, gave him a quick thank-you kiss and went back to sleep.

we had planned to spend the day at Happy Valley. i was really looking forward to it becos i figured it wd be a good de-stress for joa too. but it rained heavily in the morn and i was having the runs. so joa decided that we'd go to the aquarium instead.

it was disappointing although we did enjoy the huge, enormous fish. but the experience just didnt justify the admission fee becos the premise was really small. we wanted to catch a movie but i fell really sick on the bus so we got off, hoped into a cab and headed home. at night we had porridge buffet on guijie. not great.

on the whole, this year was a blast. most importantly becos joa's by my side and he's been really sweet. i hate turning 27. i'm tinking crap, next yr i'll be 28. age is catching up too fast. i cannot be 27 already. i'm too young to be so old! OMG

good mood

2008-07-28T00:20:00.000-07:00

DIY facial.

i'm in a really good mood today. the weekend was wonderful - though we didnt do any touristy thing. joa was too tired from the trip so we just shopped at carrefour, went for a massage, church and stayed home for the rest of time. i felt most refreshed to start a new work week.

it's my birthday tomorrow and we took the day off to spend a day at Happy Valley. frankly, i'm terrified of the rides and will prob give the extreme ones a miss. but i'm excited to gain a new experience with joa and especially, look forward to a memorable birthday. i just hope for cool weather so we dun take the heat out on one anor.

tonight i've invited a couple of close friends for a birthday treat. and i'm gonna have a huge plate of flopjacks :))

happy day

2008-07-24T23:57:00.000-07:00

my 8-yr old nephew has a blog. and his most recent entry is soO funny! read it:

"When I had a SGEM* contest in school, the teacher said the prize was candlelight dinner for two. I was very happy, not until today came and it was prize ceremony for the contest. Guess what they gave? I won, but the prize was............. two packets of Magee mee and a candle (While stockslast! ) . I am super mad!"

joa arrived home earlier than expected. i was still in bed at about 7.50am when he rang for me to unlock the main door. and he bought me hotcakes! we took a shower, went back to bed, unexpectedly made love, and i went to get some work done before we went out for lunch.

it looks like we won't be making yanjiao this weekend afterall. frankly, i was hoping to go and get it over and done with. but anor program just came out and two of our friends seem to be more keen on that leaving the guy who invited us to yj slightly pissed.

strangely i didnt feel a need to rejoice about it. even though i was a little amused by how things turned out without me having to play party pooper.

i'm really looking forward to next week. joa and i took leave on my birthday so we could go to the aquarium. but when mandy suggested that we shd go to happy valley instead, i knew joa wd enjoy it more. also, i'm trying to organise a birthday treat and invite a few close friends. mandy is on the list, together with thomas and mel. if i had more money, i'd invite 4 more friends. but that's about all i can afford for now. plus, i wanted dinner to be worthwhile for them to make the trip and time.

i can't wait to leave work and start the weekend. oh, and yes i know there are a few fellow Leo gals who are celebrating their birthday these two weeks! To Pris, Celia, Ann gee, and some others i may have forgotten, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

we Leos rock!